Monday, December 22, 2014

Struggling to believe

For the last few months I've felt like there's nothing after this. I haven't felt Bram, I haven't gotten any signs. I've been feeling like you die and that's it, and I don't want to believe that. I want the comfort of an after life. I want the comfort, I want hope, I want the ability to make sense of this world and existence. But I haven't been able to have any of that.

Today, just this morning I saw 3 things: the first was balloons, on a baby carrier. The very same fabric was made into a blanket for Buttercup as a piece of Bram, the second was stumbling upon his name and his sister's name together, the third was a friend sharing the geese oddly occupying her street (Bram loved geese). And it hasn't just been today. A few days ago a friend suggested a children's book as she described it to me, I cried. "Mama kisses the palm of her baby's hand and folds it up and tells him, "Whenever you feel sad or miss me, put your hand to your cheek and think 'mama loves you, mama loves you' "" She didn't realize that as Bram laid in his hospital bed, time of death already called, I kept kissing his hand and holding them to my cheeks saying "mommy loves you."

It's been nice, and maybe it's just my mind reaching for comfort. Maybe it's Bram. I'm feeling him, real or imaginary I'll take the comfort. I'll take the hope.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!