Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Out living Bram

On Sunday, October 5th at 6:30pm A will have out lived his big brother by 1 minute.

I'm kind of beside myself about this. I'm thoroughly terrified of the next few days. I'm terrified I'll have another nightmare. I'm terrified we'll lose A too.

I've recently learned the term sunshine baby, the ones who came before loss. But what does that make A? He came before but he's younger than Bram. Not that labels matter. Buttercup is our rainbow baby, yet in so many pregnancy after loss groups I feel out of place because my loss is so different. They don't want to talk about my toddler. I understand, I can't blame them, if I could avoid this reality I would!

We miss Bram more as the days go on. I've been so grateful to have seen him in my dreams the last couple weeks, mostly with buttercup. We're so excited for our rainbow. I am so eager to hold buttercup in my arms, to see her brother as apart of her, to feel him with us.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* Do NOT be afraid. "Easy for you to say." Or some similar expression probably just went through your head. I don't know why but that's the message that keeps coming to my heart and mind as I have read this post a couple times now... I wanted to respond but wasn't sure what to say. Am I saying it's wrong for you to be feel this fear... NO, no I'm not. I am exhorting you to live your life so as not to let fear control or lead you. It is most definitely not easy especially when you've faced what you have. It is what you are called to do... called to show your children how to LIVE and how to deal with the fear that arises. Today my child's school was on lockdown because there was a gunman near it (but he was not near there because his focus was on hurting anyone at the school but running from the police for a separate crime). I never saw the man. And really I never felt any fear over it but there is a small part of me that says, "Just pull him out and do homeschool. Then you'll never have to worry about this or a plethora of other things that can go wrong while he's not with you."

    Does my little scenario compare with the level of fear/loss you've experienced, no. I just use it say that we can all find reasons to live and respond to life in fear. So, be encouraged today to grab hold, grapple with your fear, and live. Praying for you.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!