Friday, October 24, 2014

Making the hole obvious

So this has been a very bittersweet time. We are loving miss buttercup, she is so sweet and wonderful. The big kids can't resist her. Even A like his "iter" aka sister.

It's been hard though because she makes the hole in our family so much more obvious. Having only four kids where there should be five. The season, the time of year, and A especially have been particular scab peelers. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like at any moment something bad will happen to A because he is so much like Bram. It hurts. Every day hurts, it still hurts. I don't want pity, it makes me so uncomfortable, I just can't keep all this in my head. I don't want to feel wrong for feeling what I feel, but I so often do. I so often feel like I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to be scared, I'm not allowed to be worried. That perception is reality, but darn it that's so easy. This is not easy, this life is not easy, being a bereaved parent is not something that can be turned into happiness.

Buttercup looks a lot like newborn Bram. Last night I held her, and I cried. I couldn't stop. The pain so close to the surface. I cried to my best friend and I told her how I kissed all the places Bram was broken, all the places he was cut into, all the places where they took pieces of him. Her head, her heart, her eyes, her knees.

But I'm losing my words lately. Communicating primarily with single words. I'm really sad. I miss my son. I'm grateful for our new baby. I'm mostly just so very sad.

1 comment:

  1. You're allowed to feel any way you feel... my exhortation in a previous post to "fear not" or "do not be afraid." Is not to say you can't or shouldn't feel that way but rather to encourage you. Over and over again God has directed me to passages of scripture where Jesus told his disciples not to fear/be afraid. I don't remember Him saying anything about their fear being "wrong." Only that they didn't need to fear.

    I hate that ever anyone has made you feel like what you're feeling is wrong. I don't think we "should" be telling people how they are allowed to feel. Please don't misunderstand me... don't mistake my encouragement not to live in fear as my telling you it's not okay to be afraid. I am afraid, I worry sometimes... I've even worried that something like what happened to your dear Bram might happen to my own lil one.

    Fear is insidious at times though... it can squeeze the life right out of our living. I don't want that for you or your beautiful family. *hugs* So happy you have your new buttercup with you... as much as I can from this vast webspace... I walk along side holding you up with prayer and encouragement.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!