Friday, October 24, 2014

Making the hole obvious

So this has been a very bittersweet time. We are loving miss buttercup, she is so sweet and wonderful. The big kids can't resist her. Even A like his "iter" aka sister.

It's been hard though because she makes the hole in our family so much more obvious. Having only four kids where there should be five. The season, the time of year, and A especially have been particular scab peelers. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like at any moment something bad will happen to A because he is so much like Bram. It hurts. Every day hurts, it still hurts. I don't want pity, it makes me so uncomfortable, I just can't keep all this in my head. I don't want to feel wrong for feeling what I feel, but I so often do. I so often feel like I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to be scared, I'm not allowed to be worried. That perception is reality, but darn it that's so easy. This is not easy, this life is not easy, being a bereaved parent is not something that can be turned into happiness.

Buttercup looks a lot like newborn Bram. Last night I held her, and I cried. I couldn't stop. The pain so close to the surface. I cried to my best friend and I told her how I kissed all the places Bram was broken, all the places he was cut into, all the places where they took pieces of him. Her head, her heart, her eyes, her knees.

But I'm losing my words lately. Communicating primarily with single words. I'm really sad. I miss my son. I'm grateful for our new baby. I'm mostly just so very sad.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Buttercup is here!

She's here <3

 Born at home on October 9, after 2 hours of active labor. 10lbs of sweet perfection.

And she has Bram's nose *melt*

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Out living Bram

On Sunday, October 5th at 6:30pm A will have out lived his big brother by 1 minute.

I'm kind of beside myself about this. I'm thoroughly terrified of the next few days. I'm terrified I'll have another nightmare. I'm terrified we'll lose A too.

I've recently learned the term sunshine baby, the ones who came before loss. But what does that make A? He came before but he's younger than Bram. Not that labels matter. Buttercup is our rainbow baby, yet in so many pregnancy after loss groups I feel out of place because my loss is so different. They don't want to talk about my toddler. I understand, I can't blame them, if I could avoid this reality I would!

We miss Bram more as the days go on. I've been so grateful to have seen him in my dreams the last couple weeks, mostly with buttercup. We're so excited for our rainbow. I am so eager to hold buttercup in my arms, to see her brother as apart of her, to feel him with us.