And I'm just at the beginning of this journey. So I have days where I think "yeah I'm doing it, I can make it! I won't be sad forever!" And then I have days where I can't catch my breath, where the flashbacks won't stop, when just his name has me collapsing into a useless pile of flesh. And what's further exhausting is knowing from what I've learned through othe grieving families is that this is going to go on for years.
I keep seeing these quotes "grief is a passage not a place to stay" and I don't understand. Because I'm still grieving my son. His brothers are still grieving him. His family still grieves for him.
But like my mantra I can only take this one moment at a time. It's absolutely maddening that PTSD keeps throwing me back in that moment of horror instead of letting me be alive now and capable to remember my son in happiness. (I shouldn't have to remember he should be here) My brain is changed, my life is not mine anymore. I don't know who I am outside of this. I hate not being able to be who I was, who I could have been. I hate that I keep trying and can't get out of torment. I hate that because of this pain I keep losing.