Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My day to day is still a struggle

Oh how I want to be optimistic, and I have to say in comparison to a year ago I'm doing better. But what I knew nothing about, or didn't want to acknowledge was that this journey is not a straight path!

And I'm just at the beginning of this journey. So I have days where I think "yeah I'm doing it, I can make it! I won't be sad forever!" And then I have days where I can't catch my breath, where the flashbacks won't stop, when just his name has me collapsing into a useless pile of flesh. And what's  further exhausting is knowing from what I've learned through othe grieving families is that this is going to go on for years. 

I keep seeing these quotes "grief is a passage not a place to stay" and I don't understand. Because I'm still grieving my son. His brothers are still grieving him. His family still grieves for him. 

But like my mantra I can only take this one moment at a time. It's absolutely maddening that PTSD keeps throwing me back in that moment of horror instead of letting me be alive now and capable to remember my son in happiness. (I shouldn't have to remember he should be here) My brain is changed, my life is not mine anymore. I don't know who I am outside of this. I hate not being able to be who I was, who I could have been. I hate that I keep trying and can't get out of torment. I hate that because of this pain I keep losing. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

everything happens for a reason

This summer marks 12 years since I met and fell in love with the hubs, we will celebrate 10 years of marriage later this year. Our lives, the paths we took either by choice or because there were no others available eventually crossed, leading us to each other. And we made a choice to face all future paths together. Even when the ground was ripped from under us and we clung to each other as we plunged into an abyss of agony and ache that has etched itself into our souls.

I believed because of hubs, because of our bond, because of his greatness, that everything happens for a reason. I believed that losing parents in childhood, being raised by strong and selfless single parents, and all the ups and down before our meeting lead us to each other. Sure our paths were brought together, and sometimes good things come out of bad things. But sometimes there's just bad things. Sometimes there is no reason, no sense that can be made. And while looking for the light within those darknesses, light that can't be found in that darkness, you're left feeling no sense of up from down, only helpless and hopeless.

But even in the bad, even in the dark, light will touch the edges. At first, and maybe even for a long time after, that light hurts. Like a searing fire trying to prevent your life from fraying. It comes from love, it comes from other people who's own winding and often pain filled paths cross yours and offer you up all they can, that is love. It comes from those who understand, not your exact story, but understand pain, sorrow, grief and the depths at which it can exist. These lights cast out love as far and wide as they can throw it, they often don't even know they're doing it, but they do it anyway. Just because. Not everything happens for a reason, not all good will bring more good, not all bad will have good things come of it. But I keep looking for those lights of love, and I see them. They won't bring me or us out of this darkness any faster, or maybe ever, but I'm grateful that it's there. I'm grateful that my hubs is one of those sources of  light and love.

Love doesn't invalidate the pain, the trauma, the shock or devastation. Love is simply present. Love doesn't lie to you and tell you "your agony has purpose." Maybe your agony will be channeled into a purpose but, this agony, my agony has no purpose. Love acknowledges that.

Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes crappy things happen for nothing, and the devastation that follows takes a toll on your mind, your body, your beliefs, and your soul.

But love keeps on. Love exists beyond the limitations of life and death. It exists in spite of this tremendous truth and tremendous pain. Love keeps on, and not everything happens for a reason.