Sunday, June 22, 2014

I have PTSD

I have PTSD, severe PTSD. Not because my son died, but because of how he died.

I suspect that being a support person to someone with PTSD is one of the most challenging things. Speaking from my experience, I'm moody, and can't make decisions even the smallest ones overwhelm me. Flashbacks often consume, and make it imposdible to be a good friend because I'm too stuck fighting for my next breath. I detach in a bad way, and because of that I seem rude and mean. I struggle every day. I often default to being numb, which leaves me feeling cold to those who seek my care(though I work my butt off to make sure my kids don't deal with that piece). Without intention I push people away. I isolate because I don't want to hurt those who matter so much to me. So instead of asking so much of them, instead of asking for help, for patience, for compassion, for endless amounts of forgiveness, Instead of all of that I stop talking. So yeah I imagine being a support person for someone with PTSD is pretty miserable.

I hate this.

4 comments:

  1. I have PTSD too. I just wanted to tell you, you are worth being friends with. You still have something beautiful to offer. EMDR was a big help to me. Maybe you can check it out? Big hug

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  2. *hugs* Press on even though it is hard and ugly, you are doing great even by recognizing and verbalizing this... I know, it took me A LONG TIME to admit I, too, had/have PTSD from circumstances in my life. I didn't want it; I didn't want to believe it and I didn't want help and I didn't want to hurt or hurt others but I did (I probably will again). It is not pretty. I wish I could tell you there's an easy way out. It was six long years and I still have set backs sometimes (I did tonight when I screamed about something insignificant).

    There were times when I wished I could hurt the persons who did this to me, sometimes... other times I just wept for the pain and loss and anger.

    You are not alone. The words of this song have greatly encouraged me ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly7059gbBGA&feature=player_embedded

    There are many others that do as well. I know I cannot tell you how to grieve or how to get through this... God is the only one who could bring me through. I had instant healing when it finally came but like I said I sometimes fall back into old patterns even though the pain and anger and hurt have largely subsided.

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  3. I know your pain all to well, and it hurts to know anyone ever has to live with it, but cling to your friends, cling to their support, that will get you though and if they do not understand when you get moody and do things out of your control, they aren't true friends, I love you and if you ever need me I am a text away. It helps to have someone to go through it with and someone in the same boat that understands what is going on. I love you and your family so much and I love all the Love Bram shares.

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  4. PTSD is real and awful. It is a sneaky bastard. It can be brought on by small things that have nothing to do with the trauma of losing my children. But every anxiety or shock or disappointment, big or little, has the possibility of igniting and releasing the full trauma and gravity of their deaths. It's scary. It's exhausting. It's impossible to explain to those on the outside. I'm so sorry for you. For me. For anyone who has held their child after they have been destroyed.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!