I'm 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow.
What an interesting ride it's been. I have felt so much guilt and struggle knowing this precious baby is growing in a body that feels so much pain on a day to day basis. I'm constantly checking in with buttercup and apologizing for the great big things that a baby shouldn't know about.
There are times when I can feel Bram is right here with this new baby, where I can tell he is telling baby all about him so that buttercup will know. There are times that I can't feel Bram at all and those times are so painful. I feel so much fear, not about Buttercup or buttercup's birth. I feel fear because I have so much to lose in addition to Bram. They say having is a child is to have a piece of your heart going walking outside your body. My heart has 5 pieces now and one of them was stolen. I don't know if I can handle another piece after this. I don't know if I can handle the risk it is to love so much.
In spite of the fear of losing so much again I'm already in love with this person, I'm savoring it. I know what position baby is in most of the time, I know the waking and sleeping times, I know how much this baby appreciates a good meal. I love every kick and roll. I love dreaming and hoping for a bright future.
I want to say however long I get to have this person on earth I'm grateful, but I'm selfish. I want for all of my children to have long happy lives, filled with memories that bring joy and feelings of love and calm and wholeness. Not just a few weeks, or a few month, or a few years, I want them to have a long well lived life.