Thursday, June 26, 2014

25 weeks

I'm 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

What an interesting ride it's been. I have felt so much guilt and struggle knowing this precious baby is growing in a body that feels so much pain on a day to day basis. I'm constantly checking in with buttercup and apologizing for the great big things that a baby shouldn't know about.

There are times when I can feel Bram is right here with this new baby, where I can tell he is telling baby all about him so that buttercup will know. There are times that I can't feel Bram at all and those times are so painful. I feel so much fear, not about Buttercup or buttercup's birth. I feel fear because I have so much to lose in addition to Bram. They say having is a child is to have a piece of your heart going walking outside your body. My heart has 5 pieces now and one of them was stolen. I don't know if I can handle another piece after this. I don't know if I can handle the risk it is to love so much.

In spite of the fear of losing so much again I'm already in love with this person, I'm savoring it. I know what position baby is in most of the time, I know the waking and sleeping times, I know how much this baby appreciates a good meal. I love every kick and roll. I love dreaming and hoping for a bright future.

I want to say however long I get to have this person on earth I'm grateful, but I'm selfish. I want for all of my children to have long happy lives, filled with memories that bring joy and feelings of love and calm and wholeness. Not just a few weeks, or a few month, or a few years, I want them to have a long well lived life.

2 comments:

  1. So excited to read this news from you. I pray this little one will help you with the healing process (don't resist it). God, Bram, and this lil one have all conspired to give you healing. It was a new babe that brought healing into my life; I resisted for a LONG time. I know the healing came exactly when and where and how it is/was supposed to but even as you talk about Bram's presence I know in my heart this is part of your healing process. No, it will never be what you would have hoped and dreamed of before this awful tragedy but Bram never stopped loving you and you'll never stop loving him and that is a constant you can give yourself permission to hold on to every day.

    Tears well in my eyes as I type this to you. Receive not only the gift of this new babe but the healing that this lil one brings to your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous27 June, 2014

    Love, which is an opening of the heart, is an act of faith; faith in potentiality.
    Loving requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness to even accept pain and dissapointment and the willingness to grow. ~ Daya Sarai Chocron

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!