Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Self esteem

I've been doing work on me. It painful. Always at the forefront of my mind is Bram and trying to do things for him. Trying to not waste this life, since his was stolen from him. I need to live to the fullest to honor him.

It so hard. It's become very clear that my self-esteem is non-existant. I can't say I've ever been the biggest fan of me, but I was fine with who I was. I liked me. I had hope. I thought I had some great qualities. I thought I deserved good things. I knew my flaws, the ones that I didn't like were things I actively worked on. I can't say that now. Were approaching a year and a half without Bram and I hate me. I hate me so much I have come to believe I deserve the worst. I have come to believe I don't deserve love. I can see where I've been sabotaging myself, where I've pushed people as far away as possible so I can withhold love from myself. If I was good enough Bram would be alive. Those words play on a loop in my head.

I haven't figured out how to love me, or at the very least not hate me, but I'm working on it. A little at a time.

5 comments:

  1. Sending love your way. xoxo

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  2. *hugs* I know there aren't words for all you've been through. Bram's life was definitely not a waste, and you have and will continue to honor him. Remember, Bram loves you and he would want you to love yourself. Praying for you to be reminded how much you're loved not only by Bram but by God and so many others in your life and that your heart will be renewed (even though it is broken) to loving yourself again.

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  3. Anonymous04 May, 2014

    I think of you and Bram often. You deserve good friends and only the best. (((Hugs))) -Angela Woerner

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  4. Loving ourselves is the tough one. It's okay if you struggle with it. Loving others is so simple...our hearts just open up to loving our beautiful children, our dedicated partners...but learning to love ourselves? Feeling like we deserve it? Knowing what our logical brain has to say on this subject doesn't seem to fit with the reality of our hearts most days. You are worthy and deserving of love...self love, especially <3 Thinking of you often, sweet Momma <3

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  5. Anonymous13 May, 2014

    Cousin!!!! I just freaked out because i thought i was just missing your posts. i didnt realize you fb was gone!!! Its safe to say i love you. I think about you and your family a lot. You deserve so much more. You have family that is half a world away and we all still think about you, we all send good vibes and positive energy. Remember there is a lot more people who love you than you think. Plus you still have hope, We always have hope even in the darkest shadows there is still the hope of light. much much <3

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!