I've been doing work on me. It painful. Always at the forefront of my mind is Bram and trying to do things for him. Trying to not waste this life, since his was stolen from him. I need to live to the fullest to honor him.
It so hard. It's become very clear that my self-esteem is non-existant. I can't say I've ever been the biggest fan of me, but I was fine with who I was. I liked me. I had hope. I thought I had some great qualities. I thought I deserved good things. I knew my flaws, the ones that I didn't like were things I actively worked on. I can't say that now. Were approaching a year and a half without Bram and I hate me. I hate me so much I have come to believe I deserve the worst. I have come to believe I don't deserve love. I can see where I've been sabotaging myself, where I've pushed people as far away as possible so I can withhold love from myself. If I was good enough Bram would be alive. Those words play on a loop in my head.
I haven't figured out how to love me, or at the very least not hate me, but I'm working on it. A little at a time.