Tuesday, March 18, 2014

16 months

We reached that mark yesterday.

And his 4th birthday was last week.

It's been crushing. To have had as many birthdays without as we had with him. It's not fair.

I've used anger the past year to keep me afloat, and it's been fading. Without that life preserver the sadness is growing, more and more overwhelming. I'm so disappointed that at the 15 months mark was when people stopped remembering our months. I'm so disappointed that the people I expected to wish Bram a happy birthday didn't. I'm so sad, that there are people in my life who want to forget him, who want us to forget him. I'm just so sad.

16 months without his hugs, without his kisses, without his laugh, without his voice.

In his death we lost so much. The bigs fight constantly because Bram is no longer here as their buffer. They're relationship is so different. As much as they fight they cling to each other. Before they used to be outgoing and loved playing with new people. Now... they have no interest.

We didn't just lose Bram. We lost our family dynamic. We lost our way.