Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I laugh because I'm coping

I think people might have the wrong impression.

I laugh a lot, because I'm in agony. That sounds ridiculous but I can't stand crying in front of people. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. So I joke, I tease (lovingly), I laugh. While inside I'm writhing in agony.

It sucks. It sucks that I have to hold it all in because if people knew how much it hurts every day, they wouldn't want to be around me. It would be devastating for them to know the pain, on a scale of 1-10, it's infinity.

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I had to dig out a pair of boots for A, Bram's boots, cause little dude wanted to go in the snow. And I picked up Bram's jacket, the one he wore the day before and I tried to breathe him in and I couldn't find his smell. It's gone! And I'm gasping for air, because I can't catch my breathe, because I've lost more of him.

Why can't I talk my way out of this, why can't I have him back. Why did my baby have to die.

6 comments:

  1. Oh momma. I'm sitting at the Dr office reading this and started to cry. I wish empathy actually let you carry someone else's pain too.

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  2. I don't have words and I won't even try. If I lived near you I would try to just provide you company and an ear. I hope you have people who can do that for you. You don't know me, but I saw your story last year through Facebook and I do think about you. Praying for you.

    Amanda from Minnesota

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  3. Smell is the strongest connection, I think. My dad had a pillow he'd hug to his chest when he was having pain and after he died, I would hold that pillow and inhale as deeply as I could and I'd be filled with the scent of him, with him. It's been 4 years today and the pillow has lost his smell and I feel like I've lost the last tangible connection.

    It doesn't come close to your level of pain, but I understand when the smell fades.

    Hugs Mama,

    Erin

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  4. Sam, your coping strategies aren't ridiculous at all.
    However, because what you're dealing with internally contrasts with your outer behaviors, many people around you will not recognize what's going on, maybe not even yourself.
    You probably and understandably have post traumatic stress disorder and perhaps at some point, you may want to reach out and find support or therapy because it can eat away at you.
    It might be good to consider getting support for your entire family, not only are you all mourning the loss of your beautiful Bram, but you all also witnessed the horrific manner in which his life was taken.
    Please know that I'm informing you of this with much love, not to upset you any further. Take care of yourself (((Samantha & family)))

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  5. I know this in no way comparable to your pain, but I too smelled my grandpas stuff after he passed away. I have a few of his shirts I keep in my closet. I find myself trying to smell him again. Smell is the closet link to memory. I can instantly go back to a childhood memory on the smallest of smells.
    Thinking of you always ..

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  6. Lots of love to you Sam. It seems like its the littlest things that set me off too. And I totally understand about not liking to cry in front of people. I don't like feeling like a walking day wrecker either. All I can do is send you love and let you know you are not alone. Which also sucks.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!