I think people might have the wrong impression.
I laugh a lot, because I'm in agony. That sounds ridiculous but I can't stand crying in front of people. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. So I joke, I tease (lovingly), I laugh. While inside I'm writhing in agony.
It sucks. It sucks that I have to hold it all in because if people knew how much it hurts every day, they wouldn't want to be around me. It would be devastating for them to know the pain, on a scale of 1-10, it's infinity.
I had to dig out a pair of boots for A, Bram's boots, cause little dude wanted to go in the snow. And I picked up Bram's jacket, the one he wore the day before and I tried to breathe him in and I couldn't find his smell. It's gone! And I'm gasping for air, because I can't catch my breathe, because I've lost more of him.
Why can't I talk my way out of this, why can't I have him back. Why did my baby have to die.