Saturday, February 22, 2014

I am jealous

If I'm perfectly honest, I'm dealing with a lot of jealousy. Jealous of everyone, having the things I'll never have, never burdened with the worries I worry, not haunted by flashback. When he was alive I never felt this way, and now it's a giant throbbing poison filled thorn in my side.

I hate it! I hate it so much it makes me hate me. It makes me withdraw and hide, and stop talking to people.

I actually sobbed about it praying to God to lift this burden from my heart because I don't want to be jealous. I want to rejoice with my friend! I want to celebrate their lives, their joys, their journeys!

I'm hoping that putting it out there, not carrying this silent resentment will free me. I acknowledge these negative feelings, I acknowledge the burden, and the contamination of it. I release it.

Maybe I can fake it til I make it. Or maybe it'll come back with every flashback. That's something else I've been dealing with a lot. I keep wanting to ask my bereaved mama friends, when will they stop. When will the pain stop. When will the void without him stop being so huge and present. But that's silly. 15 months... 15 months and it hurts as much, I only know how to handle it better now. I know how to function in spite of it, most of the time.

His birthday is in a few weeks. And I keep wondering what would he want for his birthday, how big would he be now. Would he still be sharing clothes with K who's in a size 5/6, or would he have slowed down his hulk baby-mans growth pattern. How beautifully would he be speaking. What would he love to do all day. What books would he love right now. How awesome he would be as A's big brother teaching him how to get in trouble.

I miss my Brammies. I miss all that he's missing. I miss that he's not here to be with us as we welcome buttercup. 

3 comments:

  1. Sending you so much love, mama. I think it's so beautiful how you work through your feelings here, and that you share so honestly and openly. I do hope that in sharing you can release it, but I also think your feelings are perfectly normal. Thank you for sharing your heart, and for sharing Bram.

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  2. I just really really pray for peace for you. I don't know what else to say.......I suspect there isn't anything to say. I just pray that you will have peace come upon you. I don't know you, but as a human, I can empathize with what it must be like to be where you've been. Life is not fair.....things happen that never should be allowed to, and to people who don't deserve it. And while I can't take your pain away, I pray that you will have some peace along the way, and that your burden should become lighter as you go.

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  3. No one should have to go through what you are going through. Ever. I wish you peace with time. I don't know if it will ever get better or if it simply changes and gets different from what it once was. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, emotions, and words. Thank you for being so open, vulnerable, and raw. I think of Bram everyday and I have no doubt that his story, his life, has saved the lives of many others. I am more attentive with my driving and in less of a rush than I was before I got to know him and you through this blog. My child knows about Bram and understands why I panic a little, each time we have to cross a parking lot or street. You are always in my thoughts.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!