If I'm perfectly honest, I'm dealing with a lot of jealousy. Jealous of everyone, having the things I'll never have, never burdened with the worries I worry, not haunted by flashback. When he was alive I never felt this way, and now it's a giant throbbing poison filled thorn in my side.
I hate it! I hate it so much it makes me hate me. It makes me withdraw and hide, and stop talking to people.
I actually sobbed about it praying to God to lift this burden from my heart because I don't want to be jealous. I want to rejoice with my friend! I want to celebrate their lives, their joys, their journeys!
I'm hoping that putting it out there, not carrying this silent resentment will free me. I acknowledge these negative feelings, I acknowledge the burden, and the contamination of it. I release it.
Maybe I can fake it til I make it. Or maybe it'll come back with every flashback. That's something else I've been dealing with a lot. I keep wanting to ask my bereaved mama friends, when will they stop. When will the pain stop. When will the void without him stop being so huge and present. But that's silly. 15 months... 15 months and it hurts as much, I only know how to handle it better now. I know how to function in spite of it, most of the time.
His birthday is in a few weeks. And I keep wondering what would he want for his birthday, how big would he be now. Would he still be sharing clothes with K who's in a size 5/6, or would he have slowed down his hulk baby-mans growth pattern. How beautifully would he be speaking. What would he love to do all day. What books would he love right now. How awesome he would be as A's big brother teaching him how to get in trouble.
I miss my Brammies. I miss all that he's missing. I miss that he's not here to be with us as we welcome buttercup.