Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Yours could die too -pregnancy related

Not sure this will make sense. I'm dealing with triggers, and just witnessing a lot of foot-in-mouth stuff.

I'm in a due month group for buttercup, and I've read things like "I've never had a loss! knock on wood" and "I won't tell until my second trimester so that I don't have to untell people, that would be awkward" and just general insensitivity. Wouldn't it suck when people like grocery store clerks, teachers, family, friends stop and ask you about the new baby and you have to go "it's dead!" Yeah, it's hell. It's disturbing. It's life ending. It's earth shattering but there is it. You can't avoid death, it will get you, it will get the people you love. You want to avoid it? Don't love.

You're not lucky that you've never had a loss, it just hasn't found you yet. If you live a life time without ever knowing the death of a loved one, you're a freaking hermit. And yeah, telling people your kid is dead is super awkward and uncomfortable, as it is when a spouse dies, or anyone really. No one is excited "oh yay! grandpa died of a heart attack! PARTY!" it doesn't work that way.

Getting out of the first (or second) trimester doesn't mean your baby is going to make it. Having a live birth doesn't mean your baby is going to make it. Your child reaching adult hood doesn't mean they'll live to see another birthday. All that you have is right now. You only have this is exact moment to love people you love.

Monday, February 24, 2014

I hate hunger games

I hate it.

I saw it not long before Bram died, and I hated it so much. For some reason the subject has come up multiple times in the last couple days. And it makes me so angry that people find it ok as entertainment. It hurts my heart.

I fully admit that I didn't read the books. I have no interest in reading the books. But people were very "happy" with the movies, so I can assume that it's pretty close to the book for the fans to be "happy." I can't handle the idea of anyone being happy with such ideas, I want people to learn of the ideas and rage and seethe and fight until nothing like a reality show of child death could even be an idea. Yet children are being sacrificed DAILY in this world, sold into sex trafficking, treated like disposable pieces of trash, their deaths going unnoticed, uncared for, devoid of justice, children starving in a gluttonous world. The problem with people killing kids, and people finding entertainment in it is that: IT EXISTS RIGHT NOW(I know the news sure does love child death for ratings). I will dare say there are even people being conditioned to enjoy the murder of children or anyone. People talk about this hunger games situation as some possibility in the future, that this is about a post apocalyptic world, but it's not. The only difference is we're not televising the murders of children, though I'm sure you can find videos on the internet. And lets talk about sacrificing children because the government said so. Every elimination of parental rights, every time the state gets to decide what's best for YOUR child (like what doctors to see, when to go to school, how much school is appropriate, vaccinations, surgeries, registration for our sons in case of draft, hospitals petitioning courts for control over pregnant women's births) is a step closer to a hunger games like world.

My kids watched their brother die. The looks on their face are etched into my soul, the pure terror, the crashing destruction of innocence ripping through their body, watching them as their worlds and lives spun in the absolute chaos. When child death makes it's way into your life, when it becomes your reality, when your child's blood covering you and his face ripped from his body because of NOTHING and having it become a SHOW and entertainment, and having people take joy in tearing you apart because your kid is dead, and having the justice system FAIL to protect your flesh and blood.... well then... people taking joy in even a fictional child's death becomes at the very least insulting and disturbing.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

I am jealous

If I'm perfectly honest, I'm dealing with a lot of jealousy. Jealous of everyone, having the things I'll never have, never burdened with the worries I worry, not haunted by flashback. When he was alive I never felt this way, and now it's a giant throbbing poison filled thorn in my side.

I hate it! I hate it so much it makes me hate me. It makes me withdraw and hide, and stop talking to people.

I actually sobbed about it praying to God to lift this burden from my heart because I don't want to be jealous. I want to rejoice with my friend! I want to celebrate their lives, their joys, their journeys!

I'm hoping that putting it out there, not carrying this silent resentment will free me. I acknowledge these negative feelings, I acknowledge the burden, and the contamination of it. I release it.

Maybe I can fake it til I make it. Or maybe it'll come back with every flashback. That's something else I've been dealing with a lot. I keep wanting to ask my bereaved mama friends, when will they stop. When will the pain stop. When will the void without him stop being so huge and present. But that's silly. 15 months... 15 months and it hurts as much, I only know how to handle it better now. I know how to function in spite of it, most of the time.

His birthday is in a few weeks. And I keep wondering what would he want for his birthday, how big would he be now. Would he still be sharing clothes with K who's in a size 5/6, or would he have slowed down his hulk baby-mans growth pattern. How beautifully would he be speaking. What would he love to do all day. What books would he love right now. How awesome he would be as A's big brother teaching him how to get in trouble.

I miss my Brammies. I miss all that he's missing. I miss that he's not here to be with us as we welcome buttercup. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014


We're pretty excited.

I'm carrying so much nervousness, but really feeling like Bram is connected to our buttercup(the new little one's nick name). I'm excited to share about what this pregnancy and birth is like after losing Bram in such a traumatic way for other moms who are pregnant after loss. Bram would be so excited, he loved babies so much! A is missing a great teacher as he become a big brother for the first time. </3

 Wishing everyone had a valentines where they got to love fearlessly.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I laugh because I'm coping

I think people might have the wrong impression.

I laugh a lot, because I'm in agony. That sounds ridiculous but I can't stand crying in front of people. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. So I joke, I tease (lovingly), I laugh. While inside I'm writhing in agony.

It sucks. It sucks that I have to hold it all in because if people knew how much it hurts every day, they wouldn't want to be around me. It would be devastating for them to know the pain, on a scale of 1-10, it's infinity.


I had to dig out a pair of boots for A, Bram's boots, cause little dude wanted to go in the snow. And I picked up Bram's jacket, the one he wore the day before and I tried to breathe him in and I couldn't find his smell. It's gone! And I'm gasping for air, because I can't catch my breathe, because I've lost more of him.

Why can't I talk my way out of this, why can't I have him back. Why did my baby have to die.