Thursday, January 30, 2014


I've mentioned a few times that on Bram's last full day we went to the zoo. At the zoo the boys, especially Bram were most excited over 1 animal.... the canadian goose.

I laid in my bed in the afternoon following reaching 14 months of living and breathing without him. I stared out my window watching geese fly south dozens passed over head, all the while wishing for a sign. When the geese stopped I said "Bram if you're still there send me another [goose]"

I waited, tears falling down my face.

30 seconds pass, and a goose appears, flying north instead of south.

And another...



And just when I thought he was done.... one more.

I asked for 1, a small little sign, one goose.

And Bram sent FIVE.


Bereaved, if you think its a sign. It is.

Monday, January 6, 2014


Be impeccable with your word.

I can't say I have been impeccable with my word but it's something I will strive for. I want my word to be gold. Words have power. No, not just if you give them power. They have power. They are important. The words you choose effect people, even if you don't intend it.

This isn't about being "politically correct" I don't care about political correctness. I care about kindness, shouldn't we all aim for kindness, for LOVE. I know I always want to be more like Bram, I want to love fearlessly and that cannot be done without first being kind.

Personally there are expressions that have pained me. Phrases that we've been desensitized to. Phrases that I have used and regret using because they are careless and thoughtless and this life is too tender and too short to waste it on living without care, thoughts, or intention. 

How many times have you said:

"He's dead asleep." Or "I slept like the dead"

Have you ever been embarrassed and said "I about died!"

Heard a joke and responded with "You're killing me!" or "I just about died laughing!"

Or met with a difficult situation responded with "Shoot me" "That nearly killed me" "Just about keeled over" "It's going to be the death of me" "Almost killed myself.."

Been upset and said "I'm going to kill him/her"

Been successful and said "killed it" or "murdered it"


I have to say. It HURTS to read or hear those words. This is not ok. (as a side note I loathe the phrase "I feel like I was hit by a truck" no you don't.)

And it's not just those words, but words like "gay" and "retarded" and "God" and "hate" are thrown around. So few people are thinking about what is being said and just let the words fall out.

I'm sure some people will read this and think "oh lighten up!" No. I won't lighten up. "If you are neutral in situations of injustice you have chosen the side of the oppressor" -Desmond Tutu. Choosing words that hurt, is choosing to be a hurtful person, it is choosing apathy, it is choosing cruelty, it is choosing to make a world without peace and love.

I choose love. Bram chose love, always, he loved. Bram got it right.

Understanding pain

Over the last week I've been in pain for different reasons, an infected tooth, and now norovirus.

As miserable as it's been, I've been comforted by the fact that this isn't the worst pain I've known. The tooth was one of the worst physical pains I've ever known and I've got a pretty high pain tolerance.

But none of it comes close to the pain of grief, the pain of watching my son die, the pain of knowing that his death was brutal and violent and abrupt, the pain of being a mother without her child. I had no idea that this kind of pain existed. And some how I live with it every day. Some how I keep breathing, and living, and being. I think that's pretty remarkable.

It impresses upon me the resiliency of humans, of our bodies and souls and the capability to live in the worst of circumstance. Its humbling to think of the number of people who live every day with broken hearts and scarred souls and make me so thankful for these beautiful people in my life.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Do not worry for I am grieving

Do not worry, for I am grieving
My heart has broken, shattered into pieces I have to pick up
Do not worry, with these pieces I will rebuild

Do not worry when I confess that every breath is too much
I still breathe, for him, because of him, I still breathe
Do not worry when he is mentioned every time we speak
Speak his name to me, remind me, love me
Do not worry, for grieving is the healthy thing to do

Do not worry, I've not grieved too long
For there is no time limit on this
Do not worry, I've found the strength to smile
Being his mother, is my strength
Do not worry, I won't let go

Do not worry! Because my love reaches beyond the moon and the stars
Do not worry! Because my love doesn't accept the boundaries of life and death

Do not worry, for I am grieving.
Do not worry, for grieving is loving
Do not worry
For I will never stop loving