Saturday, December 28, 2013

Last post of the year... maybe

Another year older, another Christmas without him, another year without him. Another day farther from him, and another day closer. Such a paradox.

So I think I'm going to conclude this year on my blog with the following:

Don't hurt the grieving mothers you may encounter. Just stop hurting them. Stop blaming mothers for their kids' death. I have yet to meet a mother who caused her child's death. Stop comforting yourself with the ideas that you can prevent bad things from happening to you. You're not perfect.

Start loving, seriously put all your ignorance and bigotry and bias to the side and choose love.

Start being present, just be in the moment because you never know if your sweet baby boy chewing gum in your ear giving you hugs and kisses will walk out the door to his death.

Learn! Learn that sadness, grief, that the madness of existing as a bereaved parent isn't wrong. Any combination of emotions doesn't make a parent a bad parent. Humans are emotional beings, if emotion makes you uncomfortable, then move along. Grief it doesn't take parents away from their living children. It's just apart of them.

Breathe. Slow down. Take your time. Do not let society pressure you into being a mean parent, into wasting moments. Because you can't get them back.

Be nice. Just choose to be nice. Hold your tongue if you have nothing nice to say.


I still don't know how to live, or breathe without Bram. It's exhausting to live this life. It hurts. Every stupid day without him hurts. But we still find joy in each other, we still pour every breath into our children to wrap them in love. I can't say I'd do this all over again, because given the chance, he never would have died. Given the chance I would change so much.

May the new year be kind to all <3

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Including Bram

We have 2 Christmas trees this year. They're both pretty small, and they were both free. One of them has our non-breakable, the kids can un-decorate and redecorate to their hearts content, ornaments, and the other has the ornaments we received for Bram.

The kids LOVE the Bram tree. They love all the transformers, and the optimus prime mask from Bram's funeral service as the tree topper. I love that we're getting to include Bram in our memories. The boys love making new memories with Bram this way.

There isn't a day that goes by that T or K talks about Bram. We don't prompt them, they simply want to talk about him. It makes me smile that these special guys won't let death sever their connection to their brother and best friend.

I love my kids. All 4 of them.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

December 1st

Nothing going on in our lives.

One breath at a time is my mantra.

I barely remember the holidays last year and I'm trying to pull it together this year. We put up 2 trees, a "regular" tree with baby safe ornaments, and a Bram tree.

Just kind of holding on the best I can right now. Loving my boys, loving Bram, talking about him, doing our best to love fearlessly as he taught us.

This is the month of birthdays. The hubs is 30 in just a few days, followed by K on the 17th, me on the 25th, and our wedding anniversary on the 31st. Just keeping it low key.

The grief is STILL overwhelming and I've been stewing on a few thoughts that I may or may not blog later. Idk.

It sucks that my kid is dead, it sucks to do thing right and still wind up with your child dying, it sucks that my boys are triggered by things like Santa because Bram should be here to celebrate Christmas.

This path sucks.