I started watching a video with him in it, and there was his big beautiful smile, those eyes that were filled with silliness and curiousness, and his voice, and his laugh, and that eerie video taken THAT morning where he is wrapped in light and glowing and I want reach in and pull him out and hold him and save him.
This year of grief has been a time of incubation of growing into this new place of being. This existence as a raw and vulnerable person. I've never had such a guarded heart. I'm excepting that the year ahead of me is going to be as hard as the year behind me, in similar ways, in different ways, in learning how to be me, in how to be mom, in learning how to shift out of survival mode and into the land of the living.
I tell new loss moms that I run into, you can't do this wrong. I keep reminding myself. I can't do this wrong. I'm afraid this feels like "moving on" but I still feel so close and connected to Bram. He doesn't feel like the little boy who left this earth though, he feels bigger, he feels like he's almost 4. I like feeling like he's actually growing up, like he should be. I just wish I could actually see it/