Sunday, October 27, 2013

I miss Bram

I miss Bram. Those 3 words are said daily in our house. So simple, so insignificant to the feeling that we hold.

Even the definition doesn't seem to be enough:

miss 1  (ms)
v. missedmiss·ingmiss·es
v.tr.
1. To fail to hit, reach, catch, meet, or otherwise make contact with.
2. To fail to perceive, understand, or experience: completely missed the point of the film.
3. To fail to accomplish, achieve, or attain (a goal).
4. To fail to attend or perform: never missed a day of work.
5.
a. To leave out; omit.
b. To let go by; let slip: miss a chance.
6. To escape or avoid: narrowly missed crashing into the tree.
7. To discover the absence or loss of: I missed my book after getting off the bus.
8. To feel the lack or loss of: Do you miss your family?

I fail to reach him. I fail to experience a life with him. I fail to accomplish getting him to adulthood and all the little things along the way like kissing his boo-boos, washing his cloth, teaching him to read, to write. I fail to attend the life he should have. I fail to perform as his mother. He's been omitted from my life. Every day is another way of discovering how his death has left a void in our life.

I don't know how to live with such a huge void, such a huge ache, forever and ever until I die. Yet so far I've managed to make it through every day without him. I have no clue how. I have no clue how I've lived this many hours and days, and taken how every many breaths, and my heart has pumped however many times since he died and yet it was yesterday.

I miss him. I wish I could articulate what that means, the weight of that, the hurt of that. I can't explain it. I've been away from the kids before and missed them, but that was absolutely NOTHING compared. I miss him because of how much I love him, my love didn't die with him it just keeps getting bigger. Just like it has every year for each of my boys, it just grows so much bigger than I could have ever imagine.

I miss him. I miss Bram. Bram. A name I thought I'd be saying constantly now only mentioned here and there. Yet I never hear it. I never hear it outside of my home. I see it, but seeing and hearing are so different. I want him back.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sammy. My heart totally breaks for you every time I am in a parking lot. I can't explain the impact is has had on my outlook on so many things.
    When driving through a parking lot I am a lot more aware. I drive slowly.
    It used to be when someone would speed in a parking lot, I used to get a bit irritated but then I would think "Oh my word, you are going to kill someone some day..." Then when Bram was killed it became outright ANGER. Just the other day I was with my mom, we were driving in the parking lot and some idiot sped by as if he were on the highway. I was fuming. I stopped and Yelled "You a**hole!!!! You could kill someone!!! It could be a baby for all you know! GROW UP AND DRIVE RESPONSIBLY". If all of this has changed for me, I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you.

    I love you and wish I could bring Bram back for you. Oh how I wish I had the power to do that for you. I am here if you ever need to talk!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!