Saturday, September 14, 2013

Grief wave the September edition

I cried all day yesterday. First time in a while. I've done really well at ignoring my feelings, shoving it down, like some crappy commenters have suggested.

I gave up sugar, it's acted as a filler for the void that has re-shown itself without my comfort and coping mechanism. Health wise this has been a great thing to be rid of sugar. In the long run, emotionally I know this is a good thing. Feeling everything, to not avoid it, to be with the raw pain.

The pain is raw, it hasn't gotten easier, frankly I don't know where the last 10 months (in 3 days) have gone. I can't remember moments but frankly. It feels like he died yesterday. It feels like a thousand lifetimes without him. I just want to hold him. I just want him. I want to see his face. I want him to climb into my lap. I want him to play with his little brother.

We're heading into birthday season for us. And then holidays. The holidays came right after last year. So we just kind of white knuckled our way through. We were blessed, a dear friend's work adopted us and sent their Santa and Mrs. Claus. The boys had so much fun. And my friends gifted us with a book that brings me to tears every time I see it. I was able to give the boys everything they wanted. This year we don't have that luxury, but we'll find a way.

I also don't think there is anyway we can get to legoland for Bram's deathiversary. Maybe for his birthday. When he should be 4. I should have a 3.5 year old right now. And I don't and it's too much to see the gaping hole in my family, in our hearts every day.

I don't know, this post is about nothing, and everything. I miss my Bram.


  1. My offer to help contribute to Legoland stands. Or Christmas. Or a cleaning lady. Or whatever it is that you need. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my 3.5 year old and have my heart ache for you.

    1. I have a go fund me account set up to get us there. I currently have $500 which can almost pay for our plane tickets. Anything helps.


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!