I posted a couple things on facebook, but I want to share here as well.
"I was told Bram has been sending me messages all along. I wonder if he's been with me longer than I realize. Long before he was born, long before I met TJ. The number 17 has been a constant in my life. Every time I think of Bram for some reason 17 finds me."
It's not just the number 17, but the number 11 too. 11 that has pulled me and the hubs together from the beginning. His mom died 11 year to the day that my maternal grandmother died. Hubs and I celebrated 11 years together this summer. My maternal grandfather's birthday was 11-11. Bram was born at 11 o'clock at night. Bram died at at 11 o'clock in the morning. He died on 11/17. I enrolled in midwifery school the November I was pregnant with Bram and have to give annual reports that
I've committed myself to trusting this process of awareness, trusting where it leads me, being mindful being present. I see these lights from Bram. Things I assumed were negative but have been him always. I posted this on facebook after a phone call connecting with 2 women who have lost as well.
"Bram lead me today, he lead me to knowing I am loved, I am supported, I am not alone. Thank you Bram, thank you friends. I wish I could tag you all so you can know how much I love you. "
Its quite healing allowing him to lead me, to see what PTSD has blinded me from. Bram is a beautiful soul who keeps on loving me. I'm am so thankful for him, so thankful that I get to be his mommy.
I'm also thankful for those I've connected with because of him. I am humbled, honored, and forever thankful to you for being there. Thank you beautiful souls, thank you for standing with me, holding my space, being present. I know that this hasn't been an easy walk and I'm not sure if it ever will be for me. But I know I have you, and that's everything.