I'm sure some are jumping for joy to see that title. But it doesn't not mean what you think it means.
Today I can't help but think of a fellow warrior mama I met at Judi's house. The first time I saw her she was sobbing away. So hurt to have lost her son and it had been well over a year. Every meeting she openly expressed her pain. She popped in my head today because she was a gift I didn't realize I had received.
Last night we had gone through cards, and his clothes looking for someone's info and couldn't find it. The process of going through it, of seeing that he was actually here, feeling him so close, and so far.... it wrecked me. I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach, my heart was pounding a hole through my ribs, I could barely breathe. My sweet husband was brought to tears. So we stopped and held on, to each other, to the memories of our family complete with Bram, to our precious babies living and dead. Learning how to just BE with this ache.
So this morning as my eye peeled open from yet another restless night filled with nightmares the beauty of her came to me. She taught me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, because for a warrior mama this (and you women know what I'm talking about) is normal. This is never going to stop and it's brave mamas who have shown me that they still hurt years and decades later, and that is ok.
Thank you C, thank you for sharing your handsome wonderful son J, and for gifting me with truth without ever knowing it. <3