Monday, September 23, 2013

Feeling normal

I'm sure some are jumping for joy to see that title. But it doesn't not mean what you think it means.

Today I can't help but think of a fellow warrior mama I met at Judi's house. The first time I saw her she was sobbing away. So hurt to have lost her son and it had been well over a year. Every meeting she openly expressed her pain. She popped in my head today because she was a gift I didn't realize I had received.

Last night we had gone through cards, and his clothes looking for someone's info and couldn't find it. The process of going through it, of seeing that he was actually here, feeling him so close, and so far.... it wrecked me. I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach, my heart was pounding a hole through my ribs, I could barely breathe. My sweet husband was brought to tears. So we stopped and held on, to each other, to the memories of our family complete with Bram, to our precious babies living and dead. Learning how to just BE with this ache.

So this morning as my eye peeled open from yet another restless night filled with nightmares the beauty of her came to me. She taught me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, because for a warrior mama this (and you women know what I'm talking about) is normal. This is never going to stop and it's brave mamas who have shown me that they still hurt years and decades later, and that is ok.

Thank you C, thank you for sharing your handsome wonderful son J, and for gifting me with truth without ever knowing it. <3


  1. It's not the same, but I lost a few babies before I ever held them. The pain was something that I had to deal with. I had to learn to just BE with the pain. Your blog is perfect way to describe it. Its not something we can get over. But its something we learn to just be with.

    1. I also lost a baby before I ever held her. It was an excruciating pain. Three months ago, I lost my oldest son. It was an excruciating pain. Don't downplay your pain. Both losses are terrible. They may not be exactly the same, but they are both terrible losses. Learning to live with the pain is something I'm still working on. I admire those who are able to come on here and share their experiences with us. It does help to "listen" to others going through it. In a way, it validates our own pain. We can relate and know we are not alone.


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!