Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fall...

Fall was my favorite time of year. The cool crisp air, the lengthening darkness in the evening, the crunchy leaves, pumpkins, Halloween. It was my FAVORITE.

Was.

Now it's here and as much as I'd like to enjoy it, everything hurts. I can't describe it as bittersweet, because that to me means there is as much bitter as there is sweet. I don't have that.

Every day as we near his bramiversary, the days get harder. Some of this is the anticipation of the day, but most of it isn't. It's something else. It's these final moments with him, like we're approaching a second death of sorts. Everyday is an anniversary of a final moment with Bram. Every Halloween decoration, every time we go to target (which is a lot, we are target junkies), the need for sweaters, salted caramel cake pops, football season, A beginning to talk and say things that Bram way, planning Christmas presents, T's birth day. There are so many little moments that seem mundane but in it they are HUGE, huge reminders of him.

I'm dreading the thought of knowing I haven't heard him say "I la you mommy" in over a year. That I haven't felt his arms arm around my neck in over a year. That I haven't gotten one of his big dramatic "MWUUUUUUUAAAAAH!!!" kisses in over a year.

I half expect to get to his last day and have it be that day all over again. Not to relive it, but to save him. To be able to take back this year of hell. I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to hold him, and see him, and love on him.

But

that won't happen. Reality is cruel.

I want to be surrounded with friends in these moments, but I can't ask. I can't burden them more than I already have.

The hubs and I are struggling with flashbacks that increase on the daily. Even now, he just went out with the baby and I made sure to tell them both how much I love them in case they don't comeback. I had no idea how much this would change everything.

But I feel Bram. I think of him, and then I feel him. Or I'll feel him and then think of him. I'm still so grateful to be him mommy. I love you billar. I wish you were here. 

3 comments:

  1. i wish he was here , also .love, babz

    ReplyDelete
  2. You always move me to tears. But something about this one just made me ache for you in a new way. I'm a stranger loving you from Oregon momma

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm a stranger from California sending you some love too! I really wish I could take some of the pain from you, even just to give you a single day with just happy memories and not the pain. <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!