Friday, August 9, 2013

The images invade every thought, not just the waking ones

This morning I woke long enough to roll over, as people naturally do. Unfortunately in that brief moment I was flooded with flashbacks. So much so I couldn't breathe. Instantly a migraine induced by anxiety drilled itself through my head. Like the tires that crushed his skull. I shouldn't have to see my baby that way. No one should. Yet these images seem to have etched themselves into my grey matter. So I was up... for a few hours...

Eventually I was able to lay back down because A needed to nurse and we did. I got sleepy and started to drift off. I was seeing Bram. My beautiful boy. I thought I finally had him back, I felt like I could touch him but the more I tried to focus on him, the more fuzzy he got. But I kept trying, and in doing so fell asleep. Nightmares of zombies, and murders, and pleading for life, and children being killed infront of me. So tired. So tired of anxiety and trauma consuming every second, waking and sleeping, of my day.

His killer stole so much from us. Killer took our baby, our family's wholeness, our children's innocence, our collective mental health, and for some our physical health. The ripples from Bram being killed weren't tiny. They are tsunami sized, and there is no obvious end in sight.

1 comment:

  1. Sami...I cannot fathom this chronic level of acute pain...I am so incredibly angry and sad on your behalf. I am so sorry. Please know that I read every word and hold you in my thoughts every single day...I wish that translated into some % of pain taken away from you, but know that it does not. Keep looking for the light that Bram is shining on you...and all of us <3

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!