Monday, July 22, 2013

You'll be happy again!

You know whats something that bothered/bothers me so much. People telling me I'll be happy again, comparing it to a non-child loss, and telling me how they were happy again.

1. no I won't
2. didn't lose a kid? you have no idea
3. I'm glad YOU were happy after you lost a loved one, but you're not me.

I'm telling you now. I will not ever be happy again. Experiencing happy moments does not make a happy person. A child going to Disneyland, but living with a child abuser does not make for a happy childhood, Disneyland was a happy moment in hell.

I remember happiness. True happiness that swells from with it, that makes the crappy dark world bearable, that you can feel radiating from your bones filling you with joy and hope. That died with Bram. Now my happy moments are tainted, like my dna, like my soul, with that looming pain and darkness.

I miss Bram, in every moment I miss him. And there are moments when the weight of that isn't enough to knock me down. I keep standing not because the pain is less, I keep standing because I anticipate the pain to come crashing on top of me and can brace myself. When I don't expect it though, when I haven't braced myself and it hits me, it floods my body and spirit, I can feel it filling every space within me burning and choking me all at once.

I won't be happy again, things will not be ok, and I hate admitting that. I'm sorry not to offer any comfort, I'm sorry that this life that I never wanted is uncomfortable. And if you're reading this and know what I'm talking about better than the rest of the world, I'm just sorry.

5 comments:

  1. you are so loved...i am aching for you...and that ache cannot even be a millionth of a percent of what you and TJ are experiencing. anyone who tries to sugar coat it is just not being realistic. i am so, so, very sorry Bram was stolen from you...there are just no words. i am listening and sending love and light...always.

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  2. That is probably one of those worst things people say to me too. "Your heart will heal, you will be happy again one day". No, no I won't. Ever again.

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  3. Anonymous29 July, 2013

    Perhaps when you learn to let go, realize that your other living children really need you to be present for them, and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will heal just a little bit. You wallow in self pity, acting as though you are the ONLY woman who has ever lost a child, but you are not. No, you'll never forget it, but there comes a time when grief becomes misery and ruins ones life. Live for your children and family, let the moments of grief turn into something else. You blame and blame and blame, but you never share what you really are thankful for. Count your blessings and the days will change slowly.

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    1. Oh dear anonymous person,

      I'm so sorry you lack empathy so much as to post such cruel and heartless words on a blog about grief.

      You assume so much about me and fail to notice the healing I've done. My son died (the one who was crushed to death and had his face ripped off, I actually saw my son's SKULL as his blood gushes out of him, slowling as his pulse faded) only 8 months ago. My son died. You obviously know nothing of the pain of childloss. You obviously know nothing of my daily life or my devotion to my sons, which is why losing Bram kills me a little more every day. I share the dark here so my precious sons are burdened with the weight I carry, my gratitude and thanks is shown in action. You'd know that if you were a friend, an authentic friend who knew how to simply be present.

      So thanks anyway for your cruelty, you need to find away to heal your wounds that cause you to attack a grieving mother.

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  4. I agree that true and deep happiness never really returns. You put it well when you said we have happy moments, but not true happiness. So well put and true. The goal for me is to try and have more happy moments. Even that is a difficult goal at times.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!