Monday, July 29, 2013

Did you really say that?

So I just got this comment:

"Perhaps when you learn to let go, realize that your other living children really need you to be present for them, and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will heal just a little bit. You wallow in self pity, acting as though you are the ONLY woman who has ever lost a child, but you are not. No, you'll never forget it, but there comes a time when grief becomes misery and ruins ones life. Live for your children and family, let the moments of grief turn into something else. You blame and blame and blame, but you never share what you really are thankful for. Count your blessings and the days will change slowly. "

I'm sure my friends will pick this apart as well. But geez person, this is not helpful. I'm not forcing you to read my blog, and if you noticed the frequency off postings have slowed considerable. I blog so I don't have to keep the negative in my head allowing it to interrupt my daily life, or interrupt my kid's lives. You've assumed an awful lot about me. 

I get to have this pity party as log as I want and Im still present with my kids. The living AND dead. I'm not going to live for other people, I've already lost so much of me, Im not going to lose the rest by living for others. 

P. S. I'm pretty thankful, all the time, and I was on the up swing.....

24 comments:

  1. I can't fathom why someone would say those words to you. I can't picture your pain or how strong you must be to not react to her with the same cold cruel words she threw at you. Your right, you get to feel the way you feel for as long as you feel it all. This isn't up to anyone else. I can't believe they dare say it is even a choice.

    You don't know me. But some how I know someone you know. In December when you lost part of your word, when Bram was taken from you, myself and so many other mothers cried to. The horror, the tragedy, and the fact that it could be any of our children. Brams life and your loss will touch more lives than I think you will ever know. Thank you for blogging, I didn't know you had started this till today. Your raw honesty has more worth than many other blogs do. This blog has more worth than the words that harsh and hurtful person who commented that way to you does.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kimberly <3 I have felt love stretched across the world wrapping us in comfort and protection. Thank you for being one of those people <3

      Delete
  2. Anonymous30 July, 2013

    Sam,
    you shouldn't have to apologize to anyone. Perhaps that person who wrote didn't even consider that this might be your only place to openly release some of that grief.

    I'm pretty certain it's not something you can often do in the presence of your other little guys without upsetting them, even when the pain is everpresent.

    I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy, Bram. I hope your family has the needed support to help you cope. I often wonder how your husband's coping and whether he has his own place to grieve and vent.

    My prayers are with you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you <3

      I asked my husband if he would comment (and hopefully he will!)

      I check with him often, as he's my rock, and I'm his rock. He told me he's doing ok right now, obviously things come up that we all struggle with but we're very comfortable sharing and supporting one another through our struggles. One of the hardest things he faces is our youngest who's 18 months now and every day seems to remind him a little more of Bram. A loved his big brother without a doubt, we can tell he remembers him in his own way.

      Delete
  3. I was so shocked by what was written by that person. Obviously a troll if not they have serious emotional issues. If they have a problem with what you are writing- then don't read it. If you want to scream and shout and weep for the next 50 years about your little boy then you can. It's your grief and your life. My daughter died 4 years ago and I could write a book with some of the hurtful things people have said. I know people are sick of my talking about my daughter but I don't care. The doctors tell me that my daughters death would have been very peaceful. I can only imagine the rage you must feel to have your child taken so terribly. You have every right to feel rage. You have raised him and protected him and someone lack of attention has taken his life. Just surround yourself with the good people who only want the best for you. Just feel sorry for those people who say hurtful things to you. You can only feel sorry for the type of person who would attack a grieving family. My love to you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true that you can only feel sorry for those who would attack a grieving family. Love you you as well
      <3

      Delete
  4. "If they have a problem with what you are writing- then don't read it." I concur. Don't read what they write if you don't like it and it isn't helpful. If you come across people like this, please don't describe in great detail what you've been through unless they ask. You need to show compassion for what others can handle as well. I understand you're in pain, having suffered great loss as well, but I've seen you lash out in the past at others who had no idea what you'd been through. Sharing trauma is ok when others are open to it, not when they aren't expecting it or even aware of your situation. Perhaps that person has come across you in other online venues, but either way, let it go and who cares what they think or say? Sharing this and focusing on them just gives them power in knowing they got to you and they don't deserve that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See the comments here go directly to my email. I have to moderate them because I've gotten a few very nasty vial things put directly in my mailbox. I can't not read, there isn't a choice. This is my space to share my story. For all intent and purposes this is my living room. Would you walk into someone's living room and say these things? No. I have only lashed out at those who DO know my situation yet still find it necessary to TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE. If you're reading THIS blog, the situation has been spelled out. THIS IS A BLOG ON GRIEF, PTSD, child loss, and traumtic loss.

      Delete
    2. Agreed with Samantha. In the case that someone doesn't know the whole story they should check their comments at the door and NOT POST. It's very simple. "Is it helpful? Is it kind?" If the answer to one of those is no, then Don't. Freaking. Say it.

      Delete
    3. Hey, guess what? It's Samantha's blog, not yours. This is where she writes her thoughts, her feelings, her story. It's not always pretty. If you don't like it, jog on.

      Delete
    4. If you come to this blog, you do so with the awareness that this is a space of grieving! Duh! It's a bit hard to avoid arseholes commenting on your own blog, your own space where you share your pain, anguish, innermost feelings so that you don't drown in them! How dare you suggest that sharing trauma is only ok when others are open to it, when we are speaking about a blog specifically for. that. purpose. No one is forced to come here and read!

      Samantha does not owe anyone anything. This is her space. It's a privilege to have access to it. If you don't like it, as I said, no one is making you read, unlike when your personal email address is bombarded by people causing pain and hurt.

      Delete
    5. If you cant handle what shes going through, all the raw details, then should you really be reading it? If you cant love and support her through her grief, once again I ask, should you be reading her blog about what she went through and continues to go through every single passing day?? If you cant handle, support, love and lift Samantha up then STOP reading her blog! ! Why cant anyone get that? This is her place to be real, her place to show HER emotions. This is also our place to listen to her and let her know that she is loved...no matter what. Rant over...maybe

      Delete
    6. Every single one of us has a little "x" at the top of the window or tab that this blog is opened up in. Instead of telling someone how or what to write (which is called censorship, by the way - and is totally against our constitutional right of free speech), close out the window if you don't like what you're reading... but DO NOT come on here and tell a grieving mother that she shouldn't grieve in her own way. If you know Sami at all, you know how much she loves ALL of her children, and you know that her children feel that love, too. This blog is her personal space to air it all WITHOUT having the kids see her most vulnerable thoughts and feelings. It is a way to protect them while helping her (hopefully) heal. Stop judging, and stop giving "advice" when you are not even close to having the whole picture. Click the "x" and be gone.

      Delete
  5. Ugh. I'm so disgusted at anyone telling you how you should act/feel/grieve, etc. I apologize for my language, but what the fucking fuck. No one knows your pain the way you feel it and you need to do whatever YOU need to get through this, to grieve, to heal. Not what anyone else says you need to do. You lost your beautiful amazing boy and you can grieve in any way that you need to. Anyone that can't handle that, let the door hit you good and hard on your way out.

    And you are right, this is YOUR space and no one should be coming in here criticizing you or how you are handling things. This is not about anyone else's journey, it is yours and you are the only one who gets a say in how you walk it.

    For what its worth, I love you so much and think you have handled everything with so much grace and at times heart-wrenching emotion but always authentically and honestly. I love you, and will always be here as you walk this path, supporting you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "You need to show compassion for what others can handle as well" ??? NO, you don't. This is YOUR blog about YOUR son, and YOUR pain. Say whatever the fuck you want to. If I don't like it, I don't have to read it! Please feel free to share, even when "I'm not expecting it"... which should be never, since this is your blog and I've come here to read your thoughts. Easy to say who cares what others say or think when you're not a grieving mother being attacked on the place you've designated to write about your grief. Fuck off, nasty folks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I also think they're trolling you. Yesterday I drove out of state to have a beer at a fallen soldiers' grave. He didn't die in the sand box, he died stateside. Yesterday was his birthday, he would have been 29, but he didn't make it to his 28th birthday. It's been a year and a few weeks and my aunt tells me she feels like she has nothing to live for. The only differences here is you do have more children to help keep you going and she does not. I wish she did, as it might make her feel like she does have something to live for.

    Someone once told me that time doesn't heal wounds, it just helps you learn to live with them, and by that I mean the wounds of grief, because sometimes they never really heal.

    I'm sorry someone told you on your own blog that you're "wallowing in self pity" - sounds to me like they don't know what in the hell you're going through.

    ReplyDelete
  8. <3 Love you Sami. Grieve all you want/need to. No one has the right to tell you how you can live on or which way would be best. You know what's best for you AND your family <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Only you can decide what is right for YOU...NEVERMIND them.... dismiss the comments.... I might even go so far as to STOP comments for a while if it was derailing you in your process, Sammi, it is a swirling, agonizing process that is ugly and jagged and juts into unimaginable places....no two of them are alike.... you are certainly entitled to your own feelings and working them out the way you are. Stay with it!! Much love to you

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have a serious problem with the judgement that goes on, that is directed at the surviving loved ones. Grief is IMPORTANT, loving someone is IMPORTANT. I hate phrases like "She is handeling it so well" because they judge and place an expectation on a person in their worst time of need. No one should be allowed to judge grief, you process it the way you process it. It should not matter one lick if the way a person processes their grief makes a non grief uncomfortable. Our job is to get through it any way we can, not make you comfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I suppose then every grieving mother I know including myself are all just wallowing in self pity. Everything you have said, done, thought are all things that I have too. My journal is filled with Lucy Lucy Lucy these days and not so much about the other children anymore. Its my release and is no reflection on how good of a parent I am to my other children. This person is the kind of person that makes this world an even sadder and darker place. Hugs momma, you are doing just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry you have to deal with people telling you how to grieve as if they are the experts...give me a break! Even if they were "well meaning", sometimes those people are the most hurtful.
    For the record, no one, and I really mean no one has the right to tell you how to "feel" or "behave". There is no right or wrong way to navigate the dark valleys of grief and loss. Your experience of losing your precious, irreplaceable Bram, was unique to you and you should process in however you feel you should.
    Everyone on the outside, and to be specific, I mean everyone who isn't you, should merely humbly love you, support you, pray for you and serve you in any way they can. And if they don't want to, then they should back off and shut up.
    Love to you and your sweet family, Samantha.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So much love to you! I didn't internet-know you when you lost Bram, but several of my friends were AAMI students, so I saw their posts about him and grieved for you even though I had no idea who you were. I had a stillbirth almost eight years ago, and I still, um, "wallow in self pity" from time to time. I can't imagine how much more intense the pain (and joy) of memory would be with a child whose personality I had known and loved, who had been with me for a few years. Grief is a funny thing... things get better, but sometimes it comes back and bites you on the butt full strength. NO ONE gets to tell you how to deal with that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you all for the affirmations and love. I so appreciate it and you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Unfortunately, I think all grieving parents get these comments in one form or another from time to time. It's hard to take it with a grain of salt because it can be so hurtful. But everyone here is right. This is your space. Those who don't know you outside of here don't know how you handle anything outside of here, and even if we did, it would still not be our place to judge you. Someone above said, "it is a swirling, agonizing process that is ugly and jagged and juts into unimaginable places....no two of them are alike.... you are certainly entitled to your own feelings and working them out the way you are." This is so very true. My daughter was stillborn twenty nine years ago. It did get easier over time, but it never went away. My husband died three years later. I grieved differently. It never went away, but it got easier. However, I can say that for me, losing my oldest son three months ago has been even different. It is still very much with me, and it has brought back so much of the pain from the past. I still have three sons I love very much, but it doesn't mean my pain isn't great. I guess my point is that not only does everyone grieve differently, but the same person doesn't even grieve the same way from one time to the next. We are all entitled to the time and space we need to do it in our own way, and many of us do it by talking endlessly about the ones we have lost. I personally think you have found an ideal way to express yourself. This should be a safe place since it is dedicated to the loss of your son. Anyone who thinks you are doing it wrong (as if their is a right or wrong way) simply doesn't need to be here. I wish you well on your journey and truly wish it was a journey you didn't have to take. Your children are all beautiful and worth your time and thoughts. You truly are still a mother of four little boys, and you need to mother each of them in a way that is best for you. I am also glad you have so much love and caring directed toward you. Hopefully, it more than makes up for the negative comments made by people who so obviously don't know what they are talking about.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!