But Im afraid to live. I'm afraid to really be ok and I don't know that Im yet capable.
I'm afraid that if I enjoy life, if I dare say I'm happy people will forget the gravity of the loss, the chunks of our souls (as individuals and as a family) that have been ripped from this earth. Im afraid people will forget the sadness and pain that bubbles just under the surface aided with the perfect image or sound or words will knock me over and I won't be ok. I'll blow up, or shut down.
I'm afraid of this new chapter. I'm so insecure and unsure of what to do with this life. To lead a life well lived for the life Bram didn't get.
I'm afraid to talk about Bram. I'm afraid of being a downer. I'm afraid the boys will think I love Bram more than them because I talk about Bram. When really I love all of them with every cell in my body (and considering how fluffy I am that's a lot of cells!)
If I do find happiness people need to know the happiness that exists now is nothing like the happiness in the before. But I will be grateful to feel something that Bram shined on all those he knew everyday of his life.