Saturday, May 18, 2013

Trying, trying, trying.... failing

I'm trying, trying to be present and do things, function, help, enjoy life.

I'm failing. I'm flailing.

My heart hurts. And my body hurts. By the end of the day the lightest touch feels like hot razor blade slicing and searing my flesh. I have a head ache that doesn't seem to ever stop, and it moves from my head down my whole spine. I'm confused, so confused all the time, disoriented. I forget where I am, I forget how to get places, I forget which direction home is, I forget what day it is.

I'm so messed up and I'm failing my friends, and I'm a crappy friend. I want to be there for them. When I am it exhausts me until I'm so weak I can't lift my arms above my head, I can't lift my baby, and taking steps is painful and slow.

I'm trying, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry.

Grief is a whole lot more than emotion, this physically rips through your body. It destroys you, from the inside out.

6 months without and a new wave of grief has pulled me from shore. But I'll keep trying to make my way back.


2 comments:

  1. Oh, Samantha, my heart goes out to you!! I know you're friends will understand that grief surges sometimes and wipes you out and that doesn't make you a bad friend. I'm sorry it's taking such a physical toll on you, but it's not surprising given what you've gone through. I hope you can get lots of TLC and slow things down or speed things up, as you need. Sending you strength and lots of tenderness.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am here. Always here. Holding space. Here if you need anything. Grief is such a long, long journey. Sometimes just attempting one step at a time is enough, actually taking them can be saved for another day.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!