Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The way I'm staying ok

I haven't found a new normal. This life where Bram isn't here, is still disjointed and chaotic  But I have been functioning at a more acceptable level. Go me, but to do so.... I've shut my brain off.

I've stopped thinking, because that's where the pain dwells. As long as I don't think. I'm ok. But then I'm in situations where I suddenly have to think and it's like oh yeah! There's the searing acid that's been drenched upon my heart and soul! I forgot you were there! And it's things like the bill from the hospital, or finding a shirt or shoe of his where I wasn't expecting, or a little blue eyed blonde haired boy who's just the right height and weight, or the laughter of any 3ish year old boy and there I am melting away back into the abyss. 111,712 steps backward. also, that number is intentional 11/17/12 the day he died

But as long as I'm not thinking. I get out of bed. I laugh. I smile. I enjoy the day. Just can't think.

No idea how long I'll be able to scrape by living with minimal effort. It's comforting to have found a level of functioning, I'm still not to healthy, but I have to embrace these very small victories.

Coming out of my coma. Lots of work ahead, but I can do it.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous08 May, 2013

    Still thinking and praying for you daily. I know what you mean about just not thinking....our brains are amazing that way... its called survival.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and loving Bram!