Tomorrow is mother's day. The first without him.
All my life I've only been sure of one thing: I want to be a mom. Dream fulfilled and then some.
I get to be T's mom, and K's mom, and A's mom. I get to be Bram's mom. Forever and ever and all that it means. Joys that reach higher than satellites, lows that I can't begin to describe but some mothers know these lows.
For mother's day though, as much as I'm hurting, I'm thankful for them.
I'm thankful that I get to be their mom.
I'm thankful that I get to hold them for however long they are here.
I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs.
I'm thankful for their big hearts.
I'm thankful for their passions.
I'm thankful for their humor.
I'm thankful for their insight.
I'm thankful for the lessons I learn because of them, and the lessons I learn with them.
I'm thankful for the moments where I can look at them and my heart swells so big I squeal with the delight that "I did that!"
I'm thankful for the moments where they act as my mirror, making me become a better version of myself for them.
I'm thankful for their "isms" like Bram's "oh yeeeah?! oooooh noooo!" or "peig? nooo i noo peig....." or K's response to many things with "it's my destiny!!!" or T liking his trips to the "chirofractory" and of course baby A's "gub!"
I'm thankful for every toy I've tripped over, and every lego I've stepped on as proof of their play and joy.
I'm thankful for their arguments.
I'm thankful for them loving me and feeling comfortable enough with me to speak their minds freely. Even when it hurts my heart.
I'm love that they know their own minds well.
I love their conviction.
I love their willingness to learn.
I love their willingness to stand firm in whatever they've taken a firm stance on. Even when it's the stance of being contrary to me.
I love them because of who they are.
I love them without condition.
Mother's day isn't about me. It's about what they made me. They made me mother. And for that I am forever thankful.
I love my boys. More than I can say. And I miss Bram. And missing him hurts. Motherhood hurts.