Friday, April 19, 2013

Pangs of jealousy

I'm jealous of your struggle. I'm jealous of every moment your child tests you. I'm jealous of your child who is more than other children, needing more attention, more medical care, more super vision. I'm jealous and it hurts. Like a searing hot pipe plunged through my chest.


I'm jealous that you have him or her. That child that exhausts you. That child that pushes you. That child who is louder, who is more sensitive, who makes you question your ability to mother, who give you sleepless nights and showerless days, and a house that looks like its ready to be condemned.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Comparing my loss to your struggle is silly and stupid and I shouldn't do it. But I so wish, I so so so so wish I could have your struggle instead of mine. I so wish Bram was here to push me, to test me, to do all the ridiculous messy insanity inducing things that children of all abilities are capable of doing to their parents.

I'm jealous your child is still here, and all the opportunities I had left with Bram are gone. Never again will he be here to get in trouble, to make my heart jump in my throat, to treat me as a jungle gym, to scream at the top of his lungs, to test my limits, to break my heart, to melt my heart, to hold my hand, to hug me tight, to kiss me, to giggle.

I'm sorry for the struggles you face, they are valid, they are real, and you deserve support. But oh how I wish I could have your struggle instead of mine.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you... I needed to be convicted today.

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  2. Every time I feel frustrated with my oldest daughter, I think of you, every time my youngest daughter wears me down, I think of you, every time I get tired of being pregnant, I think of you. Your feelings are very valid. I have my children even during the frustrating or tiresome moments. I try to spend more time with my children, to yell less and laugh more. Jennie Meyers

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!