Friday, April 26, 2013

Carving a canyon

I feel stuck. I'm not supposed to carry this weight. I'm not supposed to know this, and no matter how I try to reason and plead to have Bram back I'm spinning my wheels. I'm every emotion all at once. It's driving me mad. I'm already insane, how much deeper into the crazy can I get? I considered hospitalizing myself through this because there are days when the madness becomes consuming. But that's unrealistic.

I'm tired of being stuck. I'm tired of wanting to be ok, and wanting to stay in this pit of despair, and not knowing what to do. I feel so incompetent. I want everyone to swoop in and take care of everything, tell me what to do, and then keep moving. Still unrealistic!

This stuck-ness feels like I'm living as a stagnant cesspool, teeming with larvae of blood sucking disease ridden bugs, unable to get clean, unable to flow. Trapped in a deep dark corner of an abandoned, forgotten, and condemned place. This "healing" I need to do, this process of becoming healthy emotionally again is huge. It's my job to carve a new river, to cut through the earth, to move through obstacles, to move beyond my containment. My river is going to be proof of love for my boys. My river is going to carve a canyon.

Pray for the flow, pray for my river, pray my canyon.

2 comments:

  1. I pray for you CONSTANTLY. I've never met you but last night you and your family were in my dreams. That is how much my heartaches for you and how often I think of you. I dreamt of you and I sitting by a dock, Bram was still sadly gone but you had a little baby girl wrapped in your arms and were happy. That was what I remember the most, you were happy and at peace. Sweet Sam, I have never lost a child but have been thru (what I considered) a deep and debilitating depression where I just wanted me to hospitalized until I was "healed". A lot of things contributed to me getting out of this personal hell (which I want to stress, I'm sure, is NO where near the hell you are dealing with). What finally make a difference, for me, was antidepressants. Sometimes, antidepressants can give you another perspective when you are so lost in your own spiral. Also, I was breast feeding and it was safe for me to take. I don't mean to suggest this as an answer or solution just wanted to share, with love, how much they helped me. I'm a pretty "granola" mom, not into meds, circumcision, did a home birth, hardly any vaccines... and so on and so forth. If you would have asked if a few years ago if I'd ever take antidepressants I would have said hell no and told you about everything that is wrong with them and how they do more harm than good, yep, I was THAT person. I honestly can't even begin to tell you how much better I felt after just one week and how they helped me turn my life around. I just want to share this with you because it's the only "help" I can offer (or advise) beyond my prayers and good thoughts. FYI - what I took was 20mg of Prozac. I hope this doesn't come off as pushy, that is the LAST thing I'd want to do. I know that even though it doesn't feel like it you will find a path to healing. Much love to you.
    -Nora

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  2. I'll pray as you carve your canyon for Bram.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!