I feel stuck. I'm not supposed to carry this weight. I'm not supposed to know this, and no matter how I try to reason and plead to have Bram back I'm spinning my wheels. I'm every emotion all at once. It's driving me mad. I'm already insane, how much deeper into the crazy can I get? I considered hospitalizing myself through this because there are days when the madness becomes consuming. But that's unrealistic.
I'm tired of being stuck. I'm tired of wanting to be ok, and wanting to stay in this pit of despair, and not knowing what to do. I feel so incompetent. I want everyone to swoop in and take care of everything, tell me what to do, and then keep moving. Still unrealistic!
This stuck-ness feels like I'm living as a stagnant cesspool, teeming with larvae of blood sucking disease ridden bugs, unable to get clean, unable to flow. Trapped in a deep dark corner of an abandoned, forgotten, and condemned place. This "healing" I need to do, this process of becoming healthy emotionally again is huge. It's my job to carve a new river, to cut through the earth, to move through obstacles, to move beyond my containment. My river is going to be proof of love for my boys. My river is going to carve a canyon.
Pray for the flow, pray for my river, pray my canyon.