Saturday, April 6, 2013

Blood

For most of my life blood/guts/vomit has grossed me out. I used to gag at the site of my own poop. As I got older I got better, and as I had children I got a lot better. Still I wasn't one to touch blood with my bear hands. Yet when it happened, nothing could hold me back from touching him and kissing him.

In my kitchen, under the shelves we put up for all things Bram including his ashes, a brown paper bag sits on top a box. In the box are his clothes, the things we remember him in the most; letters and cards from the out pouring of love we received in the weeks and months following his death. And in that brown paper bag are the clothes from that day. I'm tempted to add pictures, and maybe I will edit this post in the future when I'm brave enough to look at the clothes again.

They cut the clothes from him, he forgot to wear underware. There is blood, and gravel, his hair, his flesh. I've been ridiculed for keeping these pieces of clothing, but it's the last things to touch his living body. I don't like remembering his body as a dead thing. It's weird what death does to the body, how it gets stiff, how it's cold, how it feels like stone and yet feels exactly the same. The face changes, and it changed more because of the damage of the wreck. I wish we hadn't cremated him. I wish we had just frozen him so I could hold him whenever I want. That's morbid and insane, but grieving your child is just as insane.

I was covered in his blood that day, his blood that came from my blood, his blood that exists in me. I can't let go of the things with him on them. Even the ugly things.

6 comments:

  1. I would keep his things, too <3 Don't let anyone tell you differently. Every memory of him is precious.

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  2. You are doing exactly what YOU need to do to help YOU grieve.
    NO ONE should try and dictate how you deal with the grief of losing your beautiful boy.

    Keep anything and everything that reminds you of him.
    *HUGS*

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  3. Sweet Mama, I am wrapping you in love and prayers tonight. Your blog is so intimate, touching, heartbreaking and beautiful. Bram did not die in vain. He has touched my life beyond words. I wish I could say something to ease your pain, until I can, love and prayers from Seattle

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  4. I have to think I would be the same way, seeing the clothes would be hard but NOT having them anymore would be even harder. Wishing you had kept him somehow with you to physically hold sounds strangely logical to me, a mother of soon to be 5 boys. I would want something to wrap my arms around too. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me(us), it makes me a better mom each and everyday when I think of you and Bram

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  5. I know a mommy who lost her 2 year old. She would be 10 this year. Before her sweet little girl jumped into the pool to have fun, she took off her own diaper and shirt. Mommy still has them. You aren't the only one who is hanging onto these last things that touched your babies. Shame on whoever is telling you otherwise.

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  6. I understand. I kept lots of things, the pillow he took his last breath on and the pillow case unwashed.. I sniff his baseball cleats.....I kept all the change in his car. I drive his car as often as I can. I have put a fortune into keeping it but it was his car. I love you Sami....Carla

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!