Sunday, April 14, 2013

And then I got out of bed...

Yesterday I got out of bed. Up to this point I've only gotten out of bed because I had to, yesterday I got out of bed because I wanted to.

I got out of bed, and then I cleaned. Not because I had to (and trust me I had to) but because I wanted to.

We rearranged the house. The baby learned to climb stairs. A couples of my friends kids came over. One even stayed the night.

Today I'm sore, I'm exhausted. I don't know when/if I'm going to want to get out of bed again. But yesterday I did, and I wanted to and it was good.

We talked a lot of Bram yesterday. It's hard, it's almost a compulsion to talk about him, but talking about him brings back flashbacks.

I cried yesterday. I cried because even though I know he's ok, I want him here, I want him with us. I miss him. Every cell in my body screams for him.

But I got out of bed. And I'm proud of myself. And at the same time I'm waiting for the next hit to knock me back down.

3 comments:

  1. Hi there, I am Hannah.

    I just wanted you to know that I think you are an incredibly brave and wonderful person. I found you on mothering.com, and I so appreciate your blog and the honesty that flows from it. I think that anyone who has lost a child should read your words because they are honest and brave.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Peace be with you beautiful mama.

    -Hannah

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  2. Oh Sami....I cannot imagine. My heart breaks for you again daily.

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  3. Sweet Sam - yesterday you took a few steps forward and even if you take a few steps back it is ok! Your readers and rooting for you, we are lifting you up in spirit, celebrating every good day and crying with you on the bad days. And how could you not talk about your beautiful boy? Never feel like that's not ok or you're talking about him too much. I'm sorry that it brings back the flashbacks and I pray daily that they will stop. Bram IS ok, I know that in no way softens the pain of your loss but Bram is safe and in the loving arms of Jesus, where you will one day see him again. All my love and prayers to you,
    Your reader in Seattle

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!