So I went to church yesterday (since it's tomorrow already) and the church service was about ups and downs.
I get that. Before Bram I was very optimistic, I found light even in our lows. Even in the first weeks after. But now I'm not finding light. I'm supposed to but truthfully I don't have a lot of hopes these days.
My friends and family have been life preservers in this pitch black sea of grief. They have blessed us and loved us. Strangers have blessed us and loved us. I feel immense guilt for being SO low when I have people who want me to not be. People that have gone out of their way to help us. It's not that I don't appreciate it, because I do, I don't know where I'd be without you. I'm a horrible person though... in spite of all the love, I hurt.
I've always thought life was a roller coaster, I've always had ups and down, and more often than not the heights of the highs and the depths of the lows balanced each other. Losing Bram has brought me lower than any of the lows I've ever known. All the highs in my life are going to be not as high because, they'll be forever dragged down.
I screamed today, I raged, I sobbed, I begged God, as I often do, to stop this to just give me my baby back because I'm done with this stupid lesson. I'm done being the mother of a dead child. I don't WANT this. I WANT BRAM. I always wanted Bram, even when the world seemed to be disappointed that he was going to be at all, that he was a he as opposed to a she. I wanted HIM.
I sobbed at TJ a culmination of triggers from church and a birthday party. I went into a stupor. He was never mentioned. I never HEAR his name. I never say his name. He doesn't exist, he never did, he was never mine. And I feel crazy. In church we talked to someone we didn't know someone that "knew" us because of Bram. And again, no mention of my boy. Every encounter is more proof he was never here. I can't tell strangers "oh here are my kids and theres a dead one too" because I hate that I don't want it to be true.
This is so scattered and confusing but there I am, up and down, and down a lot further, and the stuff under that, that still higher than I know right now. When will it stop hurting all the time. When will I get my baby back. I would do almost anything to hold him again, in his glory, in his magnificent ability to make a mess and push my buttons, and be 2, and be a boy, I want him. I would give my own heart to have him drive me crazy again.