Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The things you say...

I have the best friends, seriously. I know the bravest, kindest, strongest, most loving women in the whole world.

I saw one of those memes in my newsfeed. Only this time it read: "Of course I'm a good parent, they're still alive aren't they?" Immediately (and still) my heart began to pound, my breathing quickened, my skin was covered with goosebumps. I tried to scroll by but I had to see if it was a "share" or a "comment." If one of my friends had shared I was going to comment with my blog post and unfriend them. Thankfully a friend commented, and I knew right away she was speaking up for me and Bram. Of course I read it. So beautiful and kind what she shared, with mostly kind responses. (A few more friends jumped in too) Except the following: 

"If you can't find humor at the smallest funny. Turn off your computer and go hold your friend. One persons hurt shouldn't ruin everyone's life. I lost someone too."

"God decision not yours. You are a great mom and didn't fail your son. God just wanted him back. Try to smile and know your son is smiling and laughing in gods arms. I know you miss him but he isn't sad. He would want you to be happy and know he will see you later. Gods plan. Not ours"

"I'm not telling a grieving mom not to grieve. I still did. I just don't see the point in making a funny such a big deal. We All hurt. But I don't expect anyone to Hurt because I do. That is just selfish. It is just a funny. Turn off face book"

If she met me in person, I know without question, she wouldn't say most of that to my face. But here is the thing, if you say something about someone on facebook, it's going to make it back to them. The things you say about me, find their way to me. It's your choice whether the things you say show ugliness or kindness.

Finding humor: I found humor. I have a good sense of humor, and even in the aftermath I laugh, I laugh probably as much as I cry. I find lots of things funny. I can't get enough of the shaved bear for example.

The whole expectation of people hurting with you, and that being selfish. That's not selfish, that's empathy. Hurting with those who are hurting is part of the human experience, it how we tell those who are aching that they are NOT alone.

Also, "God's plan" uh, I disagree with those beliefs. God gave us free-will. The negligence of the driver's freewill took my son, not God. Read this piece on how to help the grieveing. The God statements are on the do NOT list.

In reading and re-reading her words, I wonder if she was not loved and supported as she deserved in her loss, child-loss or not. That makes me sad.

The memes, they make me feel like crap, they're really way off the mark in how to judge good parenting. It's not about being politically correct, it's not about not having a sense of humor. They're just rude, they're hurtful. They aren't funny now that I've been affected by child death. So yes I'm biased, but come on, have a heart! We should all be affected by child death because children should not die. But they do every day, and one day it was my son.

It wasn't a peaceful passing, it was violent, it was bloody, and I have his flesh and blood on the clothes they cut from his body to prove it. Part of me says take pictures, share the pictures of his dead body of his bloody clothes, make a meme of it "I'm a great mom." but that's evil, that's cruel, that's not the mark I want to make on this world.

At this point I strive to not say anything I wouldn't say to someone's face, to not live with such hurtfulness in my heart. I dare you to do the same. Loving fearlessly starts from within. Bram knew how, I'm always trying to be more like Bram.

And thank you friends for loving me, for being brave and speaking up, you're my life preserver today. <3


  1. I remember your laughter,-And TJ's- I was there those first days. You did laugh and you cried! And you did see the Lord in all of it. I will ALWAYS ALWAYS remember that you had only learned minutes before that Bram was not here anymore and you were proudly sharing that you were so blessed to have those 2 years, 8 months and 4 days with him. And you said it with a smile on your face, and tears of pain in your eyes. :) ~Heidi

  2. mama, I have read this, and it has changed me. I am also a mom, I have loved and I have lost, thanks for sharing your grief. Children should not die, but they do, all over the world. I am sorry for your pain, but I believe God makes some of us strong, to help others through... I do not know what is in store, but thank you for being strong, even if you do not feel as though you are being strong, just sharing this with all of us, words cannot express what I am feeling. I am forever greatful for this story, not for your pain but for being taught the reality of pain. God Bless you and your children. May you all find a peace that surpasses understanding.


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!