Saturday, March 23, 2013

I quit Facebook

So many connections through Facebook, a lot of acquaintances, some true friends, some family. But it's so fake. Not all of them, but enough...

It has been a source of triggers since that day. So many people who are so happy, and have such perfect lives, with their perfect diets, and perfect exercises, and perfect jobs, and perfect education, and perfect families, and perfect living children. People healing and growing so perfectly. God loving and blessing them so perfectly. Perfect. perfect. Perfect. What do I have?? The imperfect life. Hell on earth. financial worry. Alone most of the time. Kids who don't listen and fight me every step of the way. A house that is never clean. Anxiety that makes it impossible to leave my house, and sometimes my bed. Flashbacks that jerk me awake in the middle of the night. The inability to reach out and make plans. Stasis.

I am thankful for what I have, motherhood, a wonderful husband, a roof over our heads, a car that works. But losing Bram meant losing optimism, losing hope, losing strength, losing trust, losing sanity, losing what my family and life once was.

My life did end in 2012. This new world, this is post-apocalypse. The only zombie is me, and the only thing I want is my boy.

So I quit Facebook, so the triggers will stop, so people will stop peacocking their perfect lives and rubbing it in how low and pathetic I've become.



5 comments:

  1. I don't know you personally. I only learned of you via fb thru a "mural friend". All these stories have touched me in ways I can't explain. I've wanted to comment before, but you're right. Trying to explain logic to someone who has to face this grief is like trying to explain things to a 2 year old.

    But I need to tell you that you are far from pathetic in my eyes. And even tho I post happy things on fb, I would never think that just because right now you're struggling to survive all the minutes of a day that makes you pathetic. Or that your house is a mess. Or you didn't shower. Or that grief hit you so hard you cant make it out of bed.

    I can't tell you what to do to survive the day or any words of wisdom. But as a mommy, my heart hurts for you...

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    1. ^^^ this woman rocks.love, babz

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  2. Anonymous28 May, 2013

    Hi sweetie, its Lisa. I have to tell you that you are NOT pathetic. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known. Being strong doesn't mean you move on with your life like nothing happened. You are strong because you are still living, still keeping his memory alive rather than pretending like he was never here. Bram will never leave this world because you keep him here in your stories, photos, and memories. People do not have perfect lives. Facebook is just a little candy-wrapper-view of our lives - just the good stuff is advertised, not the bad stuff. My house is a disaster - if a cop other than my husband ever saw it I'd probably have a child neglect ticket! I'm overweight and have such hig blood pressure I'm risking a stroke. My kids don;t listen 99% of the time. I feel like I yell all day long. we never seem to get caught up financially. there is always family drama going on. I'm on so much medication that it would turn Marilyn Manson into Mister Rogers but I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I feel like I am always failing. YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. YOU ARE HUMAN, AND YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN. Facebook is not real life. I wish I could help you more or say better things but my brain just cant seem to say the right things. Just know you are far, far far from pathetic.

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  3. Thank you so much for saying this. I can't imagine losing a child, but I can empathize with being triggered by FB. I went from being a newlywed, 15 credits from graduating college, starting my doula/lactation/CBE business to... being in a wheelchair, stuck at home, unable to find adequate medical care, watching my dreams float away while everyone else's lives move on without me.

    I'm not done catching up on your journal so I have hope in my heart that these past few months have gotten better for you.

    -Katrina
    http://www.gofundme.com/39hoes

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!