I've noticed these past few days, I'm withdrawing. Depression is setting in and I'm avoiding the world, avoiding the things I loved and enjoyed. At least I see it, one of the few things I'm not in denial about. But it's not just withdrawing, it's recoiling, pulling back from this world in horror.
I can't help it. The bereaved warned me there would come a time when people would start saying stupid things. The time is here, but it's not exclusively the things people are saying though I do hear and read a lot of stupid words thrown my way. What hurts is that people get to move forward, their lives no longer interrupted living without this burden. Without this punishment.
I see pictures of babies, or 2 year olds and 3 year olds, I see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, engagements, and invitations for gatherings, and life moving forward. I hate it, I hate all of it, I hate you. I hate that everyday there is something lurking just around the corner, in the next breath, that's going to remind me, and my world will come crashing down all over again. And again. And again. And for the rest of my life it'll never stop. Never.
Our babies are NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE! Why did Bram have to be taken, why did his sweet innocent life have to be ended? Why did his body have to be destroyed? Children shouldn't die. Bram should not have died.
Withdrawing. Recoiling. Horror. Disgust. Anger. So lost without Bram.