Thursday, February 28, 2013

Recoil

I've noticed these past few days, I'm withdrawing. Depression is setting in and I'm avoiding the world, avoiding the things I loved and enjoyed. At least I see it, one of the few things I'm not in denial about. But it's not just withdrawing, it's recoiling, pulling back from this world in horror.

I can't help it. The bereaved warned me there would come a time when people would start saying stupid things. The time is here, but it's not exclusively the things people are saying though I do hear and read a lot of stupid words thrown my way. What hurts is that people get to move forward, their lives no longer interrupted living without this burden. Without this punishment.

I see pictures of babies, or 2 year olds and 3 year olds, I see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, engagements, and invitations for gatherings, and life moving forward. I hate it, I hate all of it, I hate you. I hate that everyday there is something lurking just around the corner, in the next breath, that's going to remind me, and my world will come crashing down all over again. And again. And again. And for the rest of my life it'll never stop. Never.

Our babies are NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE! Why did Bram have to be taken, why did his sweet innocent life have to be ended? Why did his body have to be destroyed? Children shouldn't die. Bram should not have died.

Withdrawing. Recoiling. Horror. Disgust. Anger. So lost without Bram.

4 comments:

  1. zanna ceesay28 February, 2013

    i know exactly how you feel. my nephew is about to have his third birthday and the resentment and envy and ugliness is bubbling over in me. my daughter died 1 week after her 3rd birthday and that was 2 1/2 years ago.

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  2. Babies should not die. My heart aches for you, and our babies. So much of your post put perfectly into words what I've been feeling about the loss of my unborn son in January.

    Especially the part about how others get to go on as if nothing horrible has happened, they just get to go on and move forward. While those of us who have the burden of a lost child will carry this with us for the rest of our lives constantly being reminded of our precious ones and the desperate, overwhelming anguish we feel over their deaths.

    I am so very sorry, I know that doesn't even touch the beginning of the pain, but really I am. Just know that Bram is on our minds and hearts every day. My daughter finds huge comfort in talking about him and how just maybe Bram and her little angel brother Kheiron are friends in Heaven.

    All I can really say is we're thinking about you, and sending love your way, and we're thinking about your son constantly. Every time we get in the car, every time we're walking in a parking lot or driving through one we think of Bram.

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  3. Can you imagine for a moment, if this were EASY? What would it mean? What would Bram's life, your love for him, have meant, if his loss was EASY? You will hold him in your head and heart forever. FOREVER. As long as you have memories. He will be with you. Even as we know there will be new days, new memories, he will be with you. As long as you live, he will live with you. He was a gift. A GIFT. To all of us, who either knew him then, or know him now through your love.
    Your grief...IS...your love. Don't be afraid of it. Grieve. Grieve. Grieve. No one, would ever tell you to love less...
    You are not alone in your grief or your love. Mothers have been loving and losing their babies forever. Born, unborn....forever. You may not know the grief in our hearts....you may not be able to see it in our eyes...but we are all loving and grieving. The minute we touch your grief and your love, we share it with you.

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  4. Recoil. That's what us grieving people should do. It's normal and ok. Love to you.
    -Alison G.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!