Today A turned 1. Another first, without our perfect boy. I cried, I screamed, I hid in my room, and still managed to laugh and enjoy A's birthday.
My dear friend made this and it hangs in my living room. It was one of the first moments of him and A together.
He loved becoming a big brother, and he was good at it. He was patient, he was gentle, he was loving. Pretty impressive for a 2 year old!
He played with A before he was even born. Blowing raspberries on my belly or rolling blocks down my belly and that A would kick off. He helped labor continue by nursing often. He snuggled and loved his brother. He wasn't upset to share his mama with his baby, because he loved babies. He would have made a wonderful dad.
But this is A's birthday, and even at his birth I celebrated that A made Bram a big brother. It's a special thing, and they were bonded. The nursed together for the first 6 months of A's life. Bram weaned gently having taught A all the tricks. Bram seemed to be waiting for A to catch up, so their bond could grow, to be best friends, to play together, but A was just 9 months when Bram was taken. They never got to play the way Bram wanted. A completed our family, we became 6, I gushed with love for the wonders of my family. Now we are missing a piece, it will never be filled, because he can't be replaced. We are learning slowly how to be 5 again, you never expect to have to learn how to be a smaller family, but thats what we have to do. His light still shines through us, we shine for him, but it's still not him, it's a little off kilter, strange, distorted.
The firsts are hard without him, harder than all the other days. We missed you today Bram. The next birthday is his, and I'm not sure how to face it....