Friday, January 18, 2013

Selfishly living

Grief is an a-hole. It makes you selfish, it makes you thoughtless, it makes you sound unkind and uncaring. Your brain is very much on autopilot because it's protecting you from a pain that would kill you otherwise. So you aren't at full capacity.

Numerous times this week I've come off like a jerk. It's not my intention, seriously, I can't stop what comes out. When I reflect I realize I've made a mistake. Please be quick to let it go while I'm this way. Trust me I'll beat myself up enough over it for both of us.

I haven't been thinking about others. I admit it. I've been selfish. I've been selfish in missing my perfect boy. It's (rightfully) interrupted my whole life. Selfish is something we are shamed for, because caring about yourself is wrong. But you know what? I need to care about me, I need to care about T,K, and A, I need to care about TJ. And that's what I've got in me. In grief sometimes selfishness is the marker of how hard things are. The more I hurt, the more selfish I feel, the harder the day, the more I sound unkind.

So I love you, I appreciate you, but don't hold my selfishness against me. I can't think about you, even though I'd like to. I take on as much as I can each day, and some days it's too much, and I'm sorry I can't take on you too. Forgive me, for being so weak, so fallible, so thoughtless. I'm not doing it to hurt you, I'm this way because it's all I've got. Forgive me, while I'm selfish, it's not who I really am, it's just me having a bad day.

2 comments:

  1. A friend linked one of your entries on facebook and I just read your whole blog. I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss. I know what you are trying to say when you describe him as 'perfect.' It is hard to describe how uniquely amazing each of our children is, eh? I am often tired by mothering (and I cried when I read that you cannot scream bc it would wake your whole house - that is the difficulty of mothering, right there). But yes, they are each so perfect. He was beautiful. I am touched by the rawness of your words here. We read these things in the media and the stories are so sanitized. I will hold you in my thoughts.

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  2. Love you. Be easy with yourself.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!