Monday, January 21, 2013

It's ok that I'm not ok...

I saw this at the Denver Art Museum, and it spoke to me. I empathized, my body reacted knowing the emotion that sits in my bones, and I connected. And with that I knew....
It's ok that I am broken....

"Child loss isn't just one loss. The loss of a child is also the loss of hopes, dreams and the future we planned on having Child loss is the loss of our identity. Child loss is the loss of our family as being a whole unit. The loss of so much joy. No wonder we grieve so long and so hard and can't think of one other type of pain comparable to the loss of a child. When we lose a child, we lose so much of everything meaningful in this life.." 

It's ok to feel helpless...

To lose a child is to become a broken version of yourself. Never again will the wholeness that once existed be. I'm accepting that I can't change it. That he won't be coming back. That's not ok. But I am ok. I'm accepting that I have no choice but to keep on living and keep on loving. That's ok.


It's ok that there are no words...

It's ok that there are no actions...

I don't know if having to interrupt strangers to tell them "well actually my 2.5 year old was killed...." when explaining family size will ever stop hurting. I don't know if having little hands tug on my shirt to remind me to tell strangers about Bram will ever be less heart-wrenching. Because sometimes the crappiest things in life are just ok, because sometimes you need a break from the wallowing to just be ok. And when I drift back into it, hurting as much as my mind will allow. That's ok too. Because it's ok, to not be ok.


It's ok that I'm not ok...

1 comment:

  1. I don't know you but I have thought of you almost every day since I heard about Bram. I have a 2.5 yr old boy who looks very much like your son. I have wondered how you are doing and I am happy to hear that you have made it this far. That you can be ok sometimes. And not ok. You are in my thoughts.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!