Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I get the whole "life turned upside down" thing

I went out with the kids today, to get A some birthday presents and cake. On the back of my car I have a large magnet with Bram's picture and sharing that he was killed by a distracted driver, it makes people so uncomfortable they actually drive more carelessly around me, speeding and cutting me off. I don't understand.

It's exhausting being ok so your kids can be ok. To be with them, present, thoughtful, holding them in parking lots, witnessing acts of careless driving, texting while driving, speeding through parking lots, and talking on phones while driving in parking lots. Outside you have to be ok, so the kids are ok, but inside you die a little more. Obviously my reality hasn't effected these drivers, or touched them. I want to stand and hysterically scream at these people "your car is a weapon!" "drivers like you become killers!" "why do you hate me so much you'd risk killing more of my children?!" but what do they care? So caught up in themselves, their problems being so much more than mine, because they just don't know. They don't understand. I feel the anger and bitterness rise up in me, heating my core to boiling, inside I writhe with pain and hatred, but I stop it. I keep it in check because as much as I want Bram back, I want my boys to be ok. So I have to show them, I have to show them how to live when I myself don't know how. The blind leading the blind. It's a feat of endurance I can't describe, not even comparable to birth because there is no finish line with this one. This is for life.

The days where I see more scary drivers than careful drivers leads me to believe his death was in vain, and his life wasn't precious. On my way home I literally felt like the world was upside down. I couldn't figure out up or down, colors looked inverted, and I couldn't seem to breathe. I get it now, in a way I had no idea. It's exhausting, but I understand. And I sit, with baby in my lap, unable to move, to function as my kids need because I gave all I had today to show them how to live, and I still come up short, because our lives have been turned upside down.



3 comments:

  1. So much pain, I wish there was a way to ease it, to lift it off your shoulders. I drive more carefully, especially in parking lots, because of Bram, because of you.

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  2. And it has made me more aware of how dangerous people in parking lots can be. Thinking of you every day. And that sweet and beautiful boy.

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  3. "It's exhausting being ok so your kids can be ok" This little bit, I can truly say that I understand and identify with. I wish and pray that I could take more from your burden, carry more of your grief for you. I've never met you, but I think of sweet Bram every day, and I say prayers for your Mama Heart and your family so incredibly often. So much love to you, always; your darling boy will be in my heart forever. I promise that. (I'm a friend of Diana's.)

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!