Since Bram's death we've had 3 birthdays in our family and on December 31st it was our anniversary, 8 years ago we committed our lives to each other with the words "I choose you." If we had to live this horrible and blessed life again I'd still choose him. A piece of heaven on earth, my safe place, a part of my soul. Together we made 4 of the most wonderful precious people I've ever known, with him I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of all lows. Losing our perfect boy.
Our anniversary hardly felt worth celebrating, as a piece of us is dead. Our love brought to fruition, and he's dead. Will our love die with him? As of now I can say it's only grown more, love reaching to find the light.
I have never seen my husband live this kind of pain. I have never seen him express his hurts and his love so freely, so abundantly. Seeing his face contorted with fear, with agony, with love all at once has been one of the harder things in this journey.
We talked of how much he loved sleeping next to our son every night, the bond they shared. Bram loved his daddy so much, and the loved was returned. He talks about Bram every day, saying things like Bram would have said, his voice getting caught with tears when life reminds us that's where Bram should be, songs connecting him to his perfect boy. In this journey he has held me, and I have held him. He is my biggest support person. I have held him, and surrounded him with love as he let down his shield down to howl his song of grief. To ache without thought. And still he moves forward, stronger than I in so many ways, moving to provide, moving to help us move forward too.
Seeing my husband lose his son, lose our son, lose a piece of us, I could never have dreamed it. I could never have dreamed how close it would bring us, how it would change the way we love each other and love ourselves. So blessed to have him with me, to walk this path with him. So blessed that we made Bram, we nurtured him together. So thankful for all Bram is, and for all he has done for us.