Wednesday, January 9, 2013

For my husband

Since Bram's death we've had 3 birthdays in our family and on December 31st it was our anniversary, 8 years ago we committed our lives to each other with the words "I choose you." If we had to live this horrible and blessed life again I'd still choose him. A piece of heaven on earth, my safe place, a part of my soul. Together we made 4 of the most wonderful precious people I've ever known, with him I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of all lows. Losing our perfect boy.

Our anniversary hardly felt worth celebrating, as a piece of us is dead. Our love brought to fruition, and he's dead. Will our love die with him? As of now I can say it's only grown more, love reaching to find the light.

I have never seen my husband live this kind of pain. I have never seen him express his hurts and his love so freely, so abundantly. Seeing his face contorted with fear, with agony, with love all at once has been one of the harder things in this journey.

We talked of how much he loved sleeping next to our son every night, the bond they shared. Bram loved his daddy so much, and the loved was returned. He talks about Bram every day, saying things like Bram would have said, his voice getting caught with tears when life reminds us that's where Bram should be, songs connecting him to his perfect boy. In this journey he has held me, and I have held him. He is my biggest support person. I have held him, and surrounded him with love as he let down his shield down to howl his song of grief. To ache without thought. And still he moves forward, stronger than I in so many ways, moving to provide, moving to help us move forward too.

Seeing my husband lose his son, lose our son, lose a piece of us, I could never have dreamed it. I could never have dreamed how close it would bring us, how it would change the way we love each other and love ourselves. So blessed to have him with me, to walk this path with him. So blessed that we made Bram, we nurtured him together. So thankful for all Bram is, and for all he has done for us.


  1. Nothing you have written so far has made me cry so hard. You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful couple. I love you Samantha. You are teaching us so much about love and loss and courage and faith. Carla

  2. Sam, I have always told the both of you and others that you two are such a powerful couple. You 2 draw loved ones drawing amd for me.. Always wanted a love like the 2 of you share. I have a special place in my heart for the both of you and your boys. You and are alot stronger then i could ever be. I a glad that you both have each other during this forever difficult time. Hold each other and continue to love each other and your precious boys. I believe that Bram's time here even though it was short, was meant for a higher power. the
    World has already seen his healing in others and brought people together. That might not have otherwise. He has made us all remember how important family is and the need to be close. He is a hero on the lives he has already saved. I see him smiling down and using the angel wings where they are most needed. I know these words will not help ease any pain bit, i do hope it helps comfort just a little and k ow that i have still holding you, tj and the boys tight in my thoughts, prayers and heart. Love you all...

  3. Moved to tears: both of grief and of joy that you share such a beautiful partnership. Sending love to two amazing people!

  4. Your boys are so blessed to have such loving parents, you are so blessed to have each other! This moved me so deeply, just as your beautiful post that described and told all about Bram did. Your family is so special! What a wonderful gift that you have each other to hold onto and get through each day! Praying for you all!


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!