I have to tell you about Bram, if you don't already know him.
He was amazing, my perfect boy, I always called him my perfect boy. After we got to the hospital the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell me the skull fractures were too serve for him to live. I had to make the long walk to the room so I could be there when he died, I kept telling the nurse and doctor who held me, pleading that they couldn't understand, that he was my perfect boy. I couldn't articulate that because he was MY PERFECT BOY he shouldn't be able to die, he is perfect, he can't die. Then I saw him, and I knew my perfect boy was no longer meant for this harsh and imperfect world and I held him. I demanded they stop hurting him, just stop, and the words "time of death" tumbled and vibrated. I faded out from all else holding my perfect boy.
His birth was amazing. I overflowed with love in the short time I labored, I cried with joy, I never felt pain only love and couldn't stop saying "I love you baby." He was such a calm, loving and lovable little baby. It was hard not to feel love for him and feel loved by him. He really never cried, he was always patient. What all would consider a "good baby." Of course all babies are good babies if I do say so!
We parented him as we had parented his 2 older brother, and continue to parent his little brother. Holding him or wearing him close and often, never leaving him to cry, nursing on cue, following his lead, sleeping close. The morning of his death I remember admiring him, spread out in my bed taking up more than half as always, sleeping so peacefully. I couldn't help but stop and stare at him. He had that affect on me often. The love I have for him is breath taking. I would often just stop and stare, too overwhlemed and amazed by him to move or speak.
Bram was growing into a great kid. So funny, so sweet, so smart. He loved us. He would caress my face and say "la you" love you. I can still feel the texture and warmth of his hand on my cheek. He was always the first, and most excited, to give hugs to EVERYONE. He bounded with joy whenever someone walked in the door, didn't matter who it was he was excited to see them. He loved affection. He'd give big giant kisses, just because. He was never, ever afraid to be affectionate.
He was never afraid to be bold, or silly, or run in the mud. He was always willing to try new things. He held his opinions for sure, but he was open to different ideas.
That's the great thing about children, their innocence doesn't hold them back. I want to do that for him, and I have been doing my best this past month. I say what I'm feeling, I share my heart freely, I don't hesitate to tell the people I love, that I do indeed love them. He's infected so many with that, the desire to love fearlessly and the excuse to be bold enough to do so. I have been gifted beyond measure, LOVE, love from people touched by Bram around the world. I've received notes from all over the world, Canada, Italy, Asia, Australia, Mexico, and of course the states. I have witnessed people soften and break down the walls around their heart for the of Bram. I have had people reach out to me, from the love of Bram.
So for the love of Bram, I dare you to be bold, I dare you to love, I dare you to be fearless. Because he was, keep him going, and don't ever stop. Because before you know it, it's too late.