It's 12/21 and we're still here. Though I wished it was the end. Not to be dead, but to be with Bram again, for our family to be whole again.
Bram was special. He was so much love, beauty, joy, and energy bundled into a person I could hardly believe it sometimes. I always knew he was too much. Much too much for this world. He was the only child I obsessively worried would die. Though he was healthy, and sturdy, he was so obviously fragile so breakable. There were times I'd admire parts of him, and their duality of perfection and fragility. He held wisdom and innocence in his eyes, the innocence showing beauty and the wisdom showing the truth. He was never meant to be here for long. And so he wasn't.
Just days before his death (11/15 to be exact) I had a dream. I've always had nightmares, vivid, disturbing, affecting me into the next day, weeks, months, and years nightmares. The dream I had before was a dream of his death. In the dream I did not witness what lead to his death, just as I didn't witness the accident. In the dream I just wanted more than anything to hear his voice, just like I want every day. In the dream I could not understand, just as I can't understand now. In the dream I screamed and screamed, just as I had as I saw his perfect body laying lifeless on the ground. I was jolted awake when it was finally spoken in my dream "Bram is dead."
I knew it was coming. I didn't want to know this. I woke with panic, I was pushing TJ awake "where's Bram, make sure Bram's ok, WHERE IS BRAM!" Bram was fine, he had slept some of the night in his room, and come to our room and snuggled between the wall and TJ in the night. He was fine and perfect. But I was rocked to my bones.
I posted on facebook, with many comments that others had similar dreams, but it was a thorn in my side. I didn't dream this. I never dreamed dreams like this. Never was my family unsafe in my dreams. Never were the people I loved in my dreams. Only faceless strangers, if it was someone I knew, I knew something was up. If there was a face I knew something was up.
Now to deal with the guilt of knowing. Both being warned, and the always knowing that he was much too much for this world. I should have prevented it. I should have made him less special. But then it wouldn't be Bram, would it?