Friday, December 21, 2012

The knowing before the end

It's 12/21 and we're still here. Though I wished it was the end. Not to be dead, but to be with Bram again, for our family to be whole again.

Bram was special. He was so much love, beauty, joy, and energy bundled into a person I could hardly believe it sometimes. I always knew he was too much. Much too much for this world. He was the only child I obsessively worried would die. Though he was healthy, and sturdy, he was so obviously fragile so breakable. There were times I'd admire parts of him, and their duality of perfection and fragility. He held wisdom and innocence in his eyes, the innocence showing beauty and the wisdom showing the truth. He was never meant to be here for long. And so he wasn't.

Just days before his death (11/15 to be exact) I had a dream. I've always had nightmares, vivid, disturbing, affecting me into the next day, weeks, months, and years nightmares. The dream I had before was a dream of his death. In the dream I did not witness what lead to his death, just as I didn't witness the accident. In the dream I just wanted more than anything to hear his voice, just like I want every day. In the dream I could not understand, just as I can't understand now. In the dream I screamed and screamed, just as I had as I saw his perfect body laying lifeless on the ground. I was jolted awake when it was finally spoken in my dream "Bram is dead."

I knew it was coming. I didn't want to know this. I woke with panic, I was pushing TJ awake "where's Bram, make sure Bram's ok, WHERE IS BRAM!" Bram was fine, he had slept some of the night in his room, and come to our room and snuggled between the wall and TJ in the night. He was fine and perfect. But I was rocked to my bones.

I posted on facebook, with many comments that others had similar dreams, but it was a thorn in my side. I didn't dream this. I never dreamed dreams like this. Never was my family unsafe in my dreams. Never were the people I loved in my dreams. Only faceless strangers, if it was someone I knew, I knew something was up. If there was a face I knew something was up.

Now to deal with the guilt of knowing. Both being warned, and the always knowing that he was much too much for this world. I should have prevented it. I should have made him less special. But then it wouldn't be Bram, would it?


  1. This really moves me. I've always felt so much of what you just wrote about my son... I've always felt he is just too much... he's just the most full of life human being I've ever encountered and he is too much for just about everyone but me to handle. At the same time he is very fragile and I have those same thoughts. I've held him and thought about that duality. I've worried many times about his safety and have always had a feeling that something is lurking around the corner to take him from me and it makes me never want to let him out of my sight and hold onto him every second... but he is a whirling dervish who doesn't sit still and would be miserable with that.. so I love him up every single chance I get and pray that those feelings that have pulled at me for his 5 years are wrong. He got lost in a store a few months ago.. not a wandering away for a minute or two, but being gone over 45 minutes... and I was at the point of hysteria SCREAMING his name and falling down on my knees, almost vomiting, sure that I would never hold my amazing beautiful boy again. It was so scary and I was sure that all those bad feelings I have had before had come to pass and he was taken and gone from me. I don't know how I got lucky enough that he was found. He had hidden behind a vending machine, one of his favorite things in the world, and when he heard his name being called he stayed hidden, being a child who does not like strangers and shies away from interacting with them. When he was found he wouldnt come out to anyone but me and I wiggled back behind the machine and pulled him into my arms and held him so tight for I don't even know how long, I never wanted to let him go EVER again. That day haunts me. And then again a month or two ago he fell from a 2nd story window and the horror and fear that gripped me were just unreal. I was sure again that my fears had come true. Again, we were lucky and he walked away with a few scrapes and bruises...something the people at the ER told us doesn't happen in falls like that with young children. They said he is made of steel. He is. And he isn't. He is so full of life, so extreme in everything he is.. loving, feisty, angry, silly, adventurous, shy, willful...everything he is is magnified and extreme. And I still have fears about losing him somehow. I always have, since I was pregnant with him. I can't explain it and I hope with everything in me that I never do and its wrong. I don't know if that is relevant to you or okay to share... but I am overwhelmed with what you wrote.. I have never heard someone else say the things I feel about Jacob. My heart is with you always. I never met your Bram other than seeing his beautiful face in pictures, but I adore him and think of him everyday.

  2. I dreamed my brother's car accident before it happened. It has been very hard to live with. I keep going basically because I am an animal. I don't want to live very much but I want to live just barely more than I want to die. That has been just barely enough. Having kids has made it easier for me. I have to work on my functionality because I feel enormous pressure to function for them.

    It's really hard though. I feel so much guilt and shame and ugh and ugh and the terrible grief. I have a lot of grief.

    I am so sorry you lost your son.

    Err, I followed from MDC.


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!