Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The illusion of safety

It's been a month since he was taken from us, and my heart still beating was ripped from my body and I expected to keep going.

A friend said something and it hit the nail on the head. "Safety is an illusion." Without a doubt.

We've heard of others loss and in some way we justify it in our mind. That can't happen to us. We always do XY and Z to prevent THAT from happening. Shamefully I admit I've done it, I've justified a child's death to comfort my mind. It was wrong, and I never let the thought pass my lips or finger tips.

Some of the things I've heard: "they should have held his hand," we taught him, and he followed direction, to stand next to the car, and he did not dart into traffic "this is why I never let my child walk behind parked cars," he wasn't "well sometimes you just have to leave the kids home when you go grocery shopping," family photos require the whole family "I always get the kids in the car FIRST," must leave car to take family photos and "this was completely preventable, and why I always do....." me too, didn't prevent a thing

Oh the ways you are wrong (and way to victim blame!), but I understand trying to justify it. If it can be justified, it means it will NEVER be us. Until it is. This time, what we want to justify, what our brain pleads with us to be preventable, happened to me. This time, it took MY son. And it was an accident, a matter of distraction from a driver, a driver who "just didn't see" because her car was too large and my son too small. Nothing we have available to us today, or that day, could have prevented his death other than a driver being more vigilant and not having eyes fixated on that parking spot so coveted.

Caution does not exempt one from tragedy.

Scary thought. It's terrifying to be so not in control of the things that happen in this life. The only things we can control are our own actions and reactions. But that doesn't change the truth. Safety is an illusion. Doing all the right things, the right way, and at the right time and still my son is dead. It could have been anyone's son, but it was mine. It was Bram. My perfect boy. <3


  1. You are so right. I have also had thoughts similar to yours until this happened to me too. Know I also know with personal experience that terrible tragedies happen often to people no matter what safeguards have been established. This was not your fault...you know that. What happened to our children could not have been prevented by us. Both cases were completely out of our control. Your pain is so real to me. I think about you and your family every day. Sending you love always.

  2. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son! I think those people who are making excuses are just trying to cling to the illusion of control and safety in their own lives. I'm sure I did it too, before my son was killed. 6 weeks before Jack died, a 12 year old fell off a horse and died. I told myself, "well, at least my kids don't ride horses." I was trying to justify a way to keep the horror away. Sending you a huge hug, mama. Your son IS beautiful.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart can not even begin to comprehend the pain, being a mother of 3 young children. I have a friend who accidentally ran over and killed his own son who was a few months younger than Bram. The pain. The sorrow. Mourning with you. Praying. You are a wonderful mama!


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!