Sunday, December 16, 2012

Pain and anger

I'm so sick with pain and anger.

We took K to Target this evening to spend the birthday money he got. I went inside first for a restroom break and when they weren't inside when I got out of the restroom my heart sank, they weren't there. The last time this happened Bram was dead. One of them must have been run over, one of them is dead. Again! I started running outside only to find them (thankfully) safe together, and fine. I couldn't stop the feelings of dread. I wasn't able to recover before T began a tantrum because he wasn't getting a toy despite the fact K offered to buy him something with the rest of his birthday money.

I come home and see my dead tree, and my dead poinsettias, and my husband struggling, and my kids struggling, and it's too much! I am so done, and I am so angry.

I took the tree down and threw it in the back yard. I want to quit christmas and crawl in a ball and not crawl out until the world ends. But I can't, as much as my heart and my hurt makes it impossible to move forward, my children force me. I'm not the mother they deserve right now. I'm less than. I'm not equipped to carry on when my spine's been ripped from my body.

I'm so sick with pain and anger. I'm so angry, so angry. My son is not worthy of justice. His death isn't even worth a moving violation. The events that have unfolded across the globe and the deaths of so many children, and the thoughts of so many parents falling into this oblivion, and knowing that if there could be justice served for them there would be. But the person that killed their children took his life, so justice on earth will not happen. My son's killer gets to walk free, get to breathe a sigh of relief, gets to go on with their life, gets to forget.

I want to live for Bram but today I hold no hope, today I don't have it in me.


  1. I am so sorry. I wish I was closer to help you. It's okay to let this Christmas pass without celebration.

  2. My heart breaks for you mama. This is an overwhelming, gut-wrenching thing to go through.

    I feel so drawn to you, I want to reach out. But how? I'm not sure you'd even be interested in talking to me. I am feeling a different kind of grief. A grief for being alive, if that even makes sense. Six weeks ago, my small family of three was in a severe car collision. I have no idea *how* we survived. And yet, we sit here, and we are grieving being alive. Until a week ago, we were full of rage. We were full of anger and hurt. The man that hit us was beyond drunk. Hours later, with a few bags of IV fluids, he was still more than three times over the legal limit in blood alcohol level. He got to walk-free after a brief stint in jail. Yet we, all three of us, are nowhere near back to "normal" and I feel like we never will be. My husband, aged 29, broke both hands (left wrist severely, and right hand) and has to retire from the business we spent 9 years on building from the ground up. And that's only just the beginning.

    How does one grieve being still alive? I don't even know. I don't understand. How does one let go of the severe anger and frustration one holds for the person that recklessly caused such a preventable accident? How do the victims survive day to day life in this horrible "in limbo" phase? How do they move on? How do they manage to drag themselves out of bed in the morning and make it through another day? Some days, it's do daunting, it's impossible. Other days, there is no choice due to the constant appointments with specialists, therapists, doctors, insurance reps who treat you like criminals, lawyers and so on. How do we turn off the auto-pilot and just...LIVE free again? The man that hit us decided that he couldn't handle things anymore and committed suicide last weekend. Now there is more anger and frustration, but relief too. Why is everyone else left to pick up the pieces, where he just doesn't have to? But then we realize that he too was only human, and felt such strong emotion and couldn't handle it. It brings on a whole new level of grief for me.

    Grief is such a tricky bastard to pinpoint and move past.

    If you have any interest in "being friends" or talking with me about your son, your grief, your life, your anything, feel free. I'm not sure if it would be of any help to talk to someone who is going through a different kind of grief right now. If not, no worries and do what you have to do to just get through this phase. I will add you and your family to my nightly prayers and I wish you guys all the best. Email/FB


Thanks for reading and loving Bram!