Friday, December 14, 2012

Bram's death

Bram is my third son. He was born March 13th 2010, and it was the most amazing birth in the world. Painless and joyful, quick and easy. He was such a mellow baby, loved to nurse.

On Saturday November 17th we were off to get family pictures. We arrived on time for our appointment but the studio was running extremely late. My boys, as usual, wanted to snack but no food or drink was allowed. My husband took the 3 oldest boys (ages T 7, K 4.5, and Bram 2.5) to the car to snack on oranges. The parking lot was small, and what many would consider a safe parking lot. It wasn't busy at all and the distance from the shop to the last parking spaces was still close to the building and what I would consider good parking any day.

I stayed in the photo studio with the baby (9 months at the time) to wait for our appointment. It wasn't long after that the photographer told me it was almost our turn so I went ahead and poked my head out of the door to my husband to let him know it was almost our turn. The boys had sat in their car seats eating oranges. He gathered them and had them stand next to the car, as we always do. My husband turned to close the door, and a lincoln navigator came in the parking lot, not paying attention, the driver hit Bram. It took as long as it took to close the door. Think of that length of time, think of how many times that was you.

His face torn, his skull crushed. Blood sliding down the parking lot. The death certificate says time of accident to death is seconds but I felt his pulse, and I felt it fade as I screamed for help. I watched them doing CPR, breathing into him, and it was of no use. 29 minutes after the car hit him, he was dead. 11:07 am. 2 years, 8 months, 3 days, 11 hours, and 59 minutes on earth.

My chest exists as a black hole, a sucking void. I'm breathing and that's all I've got.

17 comments:

  1. I wish I could say something, do something, breathe for Bram, breathe for you... My heart has hurt so badly for you during this time. Nothing I ever say or type or pray could ever be enough, but my love and thoughts and prayers go out to you every time you cross my mind and that is frequently.

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  2. Poor sweet baby :( My heart breaks all over and I'm crying again. Love you guys!

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  3. I have not read any news story because I wanted to hear it from you, your loving words as him mom instead from someone that never knew him.

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  4. Your love for Bram has changed the world for so many people, you have no idea. He is unforgettable. Remember that. We love you.

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  5. Oh my god. I am so sorry. So sorry.

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  6. I saw your post on the NYTimes call for blogs for Motherlode, and I came to see what you were writing. I can't imagine the heart-wrenching grief you are going through, and I am sending you as much love across the internet as I can muster.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss. tears stream down my face as i realize how life can change in an instant. i think of how many times i get my children out of our van and have them stand there for even just a moment. My heart breaks for you as i can feel your pain radiate off of my computer screen. I will be praying for you and your family and sending lots of love.

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  8. my heart goes out to you. this is not your fault. this was a drivers fault that should of paid more attention. toddlers are such a treasure and i am sure if he/she had of paid more attention, there is no excuse for what they have taken from you.

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  9. I´m still feeling with you & your family!
    Sometimes we couldn´t understud why such terrible things must happend.
    We had to live with them & there is no chance to change.
    I wish you power & love to stand this lost!
    You are not alone - there are a lot of people who are feeling with you!

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  10. Oh my God....I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you have to be going thru but know that there are people in the world, me and Im sure many many others, who are praying for you and loving you even if we've never met you. God bless your beautiful family. Be strong sister. Xx

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  11. When I read this I started sobbing uncontrollably. I prayed over and over... God make me a better mother, God make me a more attentive driver, God be with that family. My son Noah was born March 5, 2010. I could not even imagine going through what you are going through. I am so sorry that it is your reality. God be with you. I will be praying for you, and I know that what you have written will change me.

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  12. I know personally how little the words I am about to type help, but, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I have not experienced the loss of a child, my husband and I just had our first, and I pray I never do. That said, I have experienced a tragic loss of the man I was in a long-term relationship with before I met my husband. He committed suicide. I read some of your more recent post about forgiving the woman who killed your son, and I commend you for being a strong enough and good enough person to have that mindset. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried while I was reading this post. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Lots of love for you and your family. You've got a beautiful little angel looking at you from heaven.

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  14. I came across your blog from the Birth Without Fear Facebook page. As a mother, I cannot even begin to understand what this must have been like for you and your family. I wish I could help but I know that I am powerless. Just know that I will never forget your story and I am sending you and your family so much love right now, even though we have never met in person or even on the internet before. Keep telling your story and know that you are loved by so many.

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  15. I found your blog through mothering.com forum. My heart aches for you. My cousin lost her 19 month old to a drowning accident last year, and I've felt helpless in the wake of her pain. Sending you my sincere condolences and blessings.

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  16. Anonymous06 June, 2013

    I'm so, so sorry. I'm holding you and your family in my heart.

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Thanks for reading and loving Bram!